Don't let outside confidence deceive you.

I am not so sure if I've already wrote a blog on this subject, however, once again, I feel the need to discuss, this I'd like to do through writing. As I have mentioned I am now in Sixth Form, possibly the hardest period of my life I have endured, and perhaps the hardest I will ever have to endure. I believe it to be quite unfair that the most important, or one of the most important stages in my life seems to be so unenjoyable and difficult. Yes I realise that it should be hard, as life in general has its challenges... However, despite this, I wish it was uplifiting. At the moment, I feel my confidence has stooped to literally nothing, whilst my passion to do well is increasing. Even though this is the case, my motivation is being effected by my confidence, as I suppose it would anyones. How can I possibly motivate myself if I feel the result won't be the aim I was hoping for. I feel results in my work will balance on the wrong side, leaving me struggling. I hate being this negative, but once again, my confidence is a issue which I must learn to ignore. Deep down I know I can do it, looking back at my confidence in GCSE and the results overriding it, I know I can beat my expectations. Many of my peers have said to me, including teachers, "you're doing absolutely fine, don't worry yourself... Take a break from it all" talking about my work. However I don't know what they're basing their comment on, perhaps that is their perception of my results in GCSE, and somehow, they believe A Level will be fine for me. Perhaps not 'fine' but manageable. It's really not manageable with the slightest stretch of the imagination, it is certainly the contrary.

Christmas

Once again, Christmas has come and gone... Perhaps too quickly? Christmas this year I found to be very special... I felt fortunate, as I do every year; however this year felt some what different, perhaps because of my age, or rather the decreased excitement, the way eyes would widen at the sight of twinkling lights on a green tree, and little snowflakes coating decorations? I am not disputing my admiration for Christmas - in fact it's my favourite season due to all the wonderful, decorative festivities, instead I felt different about it, in a more appreciative and understanding way. This year I felt more grateful (not that I didn't any other year) and appreciative as I said, as for once, I understood the difficulty of money and how others may not be as fortunate as I, whereas before I felt grateful but in a less sentimental way, as when I was younger I wasn't aware of other issues surrounding Christmas. Not just in this way, but as my previous blog stated earlier this year I believe (not sure whether I posted a blog), my Granddad was severely ill in hospital due to an industrial incident in work, and due to the seriousness of his injuries he was unlikely to pull through, however being the brave, powerful man we all know him to be, he did. That is why this year, Christmas was very special. Every time I saw his face light up whilst we received our presents, I couldn't help but smile at his handsome face, he has never looked so vibrant. My Granddad being here was the best Christmas present of all; we as such a loving close family, couldn't bare to lose him, thus this is why I believe, he pulled through for us, to see us all grow up into successful individuals, and of course to look after my wonderful Nan. My Christmas was memorable, and it made 2011 seem a lot brighter, as this year for me hasn't been my best, especially due to my Granddad's accident... Most people I have spoken to seem to have the same attitude towards this year. Everyone, this leaves me now to say, have a wonderful New Year, may 2012 for you be prosperous and enlightening.

My own quotations

Recently I have wrote in my journal quotations which have inspired me, along with these I have created my own quotations, which I shall list.

“Each step is inadequate until you reach the next”

“Your mind will always be free, as you possess it. No one can affect your thoughts, they’re protected in ways which are true to yourself”

“Love is never an answer, but a beginning”

“Difficulties in the present are short-lived, the outcome is your life”

“When you say people have changed, so have your thoughts”

“Tears are an attempt to wash away your emotions, as we are often afraid to show them”

“One comment can make your day, however a memory can last a lifetime”

“Friends are not objects: they’re scattered polaroids in your mind,they’re emotions on your face, they’re footprints on your heart, and their smile radiates on your face”

“There is no shame in expressing your emotions to things which are inexistent. Whether, inanimate objects or angels which you have lost. Any expression is positive, if it brings you relief and satisfaction”

“I often stare at the clouds, and wonder what’s beyond them”

“Education is an opportunity to develop yourself into what you were made to do, your hopes and dreams depend on it. It’s potential is significant”

“If I say something, would you believe me? If I cared about you, would you believe me? If I expressed an emotion, would you believe me? Will you ever believe me?”

“What you don’t understand, I won’t amend. What you want from me, I will not pretend. You will not view me as something else, I will not be subjected to yourself”

“What we shall never know, will not be proved”

“Do our emotions alter circumstances? Only if the person has the ability to recognise genuine sorrow”

“Grieving is the belief that one day we’ll meet again, and the emotion which I shed, is simply a yearning for this day”

“We cannot comprehend pain, until someone who we love is in the position”

“Justifications for our actions are irrelevant, when the outcome we foresaw was probable”

An educated guess of deterioration

I suppose our school has ‘deteriorated’ in a sense, due to our Ofsted inspection, which reflected our school in a negative light…

Recently we have had an Ofsted inspection, the type in which teachers become stressed, frightened and not quite themselves. I have sympathy towards teachers around this time, due to the sharp eye that Ofsted have, not only do they watch and observe, they also read between the lines, and scrutinise all faults.

I respect Ofsted, as they are given an unbiased perception of what schools are like, by categorising them into level of excellence: outstanding, good, satisfactory, improvement and special measures. Ofsted are important as they give reports of aspects of the school which people may take interest in, such as intake: parents who are contemplating whether or not to send their child to a certain school, may refer to Ofsted to hope for an accurate account of the school itself.

Sadly, in assembly the Head teacher delivered news on Ofsted, which I think was due to the behaviour of some children in our school – as did the Head teacher (I suppose this is quite evident due to the behaviour I have witnessed around the school), that our Ofsted inspection resulted to being categorised in ‘special measures’, however our school is not a ‘typical’ special measures school as we are not wholly negative, however there is room for improvement with support. The ‘lower’ part of the school received a bad report, however Sixth Form (which I am in) received a good report. Most teachers teach both 9, 10 and 11 years and Sixth form: 12 and 13, so it can’t solely be the teachers? The pupils have had a significant impact on the news.

I sympathise with the teachers, as I could tell during the days in which Ofsted were inspecting, they were all under a lot of pressure to deliver the best they could; in my honest opinion, I believe the level of education in our school is good, I do not regret in the slightest going to my school, the teachers are supportive and the library is resourceful. Our GCSE results reflect my opinion, our school reached the best in the county, shown in the statistic of 85% of people receiving A*-C level. I am failing to understand, why then, have received a negative Ofsted report, to me, it’s not the teaching, it must be other aspects of the school? Perhaps, behaviour or facilities? Who knows, the Ofsted report is pending release…

Quotations which I love…

I love quotations, due to their inspiration, and they way I think and look at the world, and in most cases not the world, but life.

A description of a snow globe: “The two of us watched the snow fall gently around the penguin. The penguin was alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said, “Don’t worry, Susie, he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world.” ~ The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Describing the imperfections of this world, and how if we were enclosed, we wouldn’t be vulnerable, we’d be safe ‘wrapped in cotton wool’ as they say, therefore this illusion of a world in a snow globe is perfect.

“But if it’s a story, even in my head, I must be telling it to someone. You don’t tell a story only to yourself. There’s always someone else. Even when there is no one” ~ The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. They’ll always be someone who will listen to you, even though you may feel alone… The world is endless.

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?” ~ John Lennon. Nothing can distort or change your beliefs, you control your own mind, and what you believe is true, it’s what’s clear and accepted in your own mind. Our minds are vacuums of endless thoughts, dreams and intellect.

“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination” ~ John Lennon. What we perceive as real, makes us wonder in our own minds what could be real, what reality could evolve into. Reality is what shapes our creativity within our mind.

“I think , therefore I am” ~ René Descartes. I think, therefore I exist, our knowledge enables us to prosper.

“The words printed here are concepts. You must go through the experiences” ~ Saint Augustine. Don’t believe what you read, you must witness these things for yourself – explore discoveries, thus experience the unknown.

“Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught” ~ Oscar Wilde. What you learn yourself through your life experiences, are essential, they are enriched with knowledge and intelligence. What you are taught is none other than a pass along of what another has discovered, every fact in education starts with a discovery of an individual.

I have other quotations which inspire me, however I will not continue, otherwise this blog post will be endless…

Stolen, taken, perhaps gone forever…

I, like I am sure many others wonder why, where and how children go missing, and if they’re taken, how perpetrators can cynically do so.

I find it challenging to understand, and I know I never will, how people, in most cases ‘ordinary’ people turn into monstrous, cruel individuals who’s morality has fallen into a state of decadence. I can’t begin to imagine how a family must feel when a part of themselves has disappeared, and their lives turn to uncertainty and disclosure. Seeing our family is an ordinary occurrence, therefore we often miss the chance to say goodbye if we leave the house, as we assume we’ll be back, but what if the unfortunate event of someone stealing you happens? Regret of taking the goodbye for granted now that we may have left for good, and perhaps forever, what then happens? My emotions if there would be some present, would run through me like thousands of knives slicing every part of my happiness in two. I’d no longer be me, I’d be a vacuum, empty of all love, care and loneliness. How could anyone be that cruel to snatch at another’s life, take all their freedom and deprive them from comfort in their own home? I feel nauseous loathing towards those poisonous cruel people, can I even label them ‘people’? They are inhumane monsters.

Simpler things.

I often wonder why things can’t be simple, and why we tend not to appreciate littler things in life, and instead, indulge in gargantuan falsities.

I’m guilty of this positive consensus of the larger things in life, whether presentation of yourself, or otherwise. Who wouldn’t love to indulge in all things expensive and elaborate? In some cases, loathe the lifestyle of frugality and frivolity. Why should we have this morality of developing lust for paraphernalia, beyond our needs? Could this greed satisfy our gargantuan appetites? In my own understanding, I believe people who have desires are influenced by paraphernalia being endorsed by others, the perpetual comparison of a indulgent lifestyle being compared to that of a parsimonious one.

Regardless of materialistic items, it’s circumstances, situations, why can’t dilemmas within these be simpler? In conversations some of us struggle on what to say to let time fly, when arguments occur, words are twisted, distorted to either exaggerate or raise fury between each other. Why can’t solutions in life be simpler, or is this too much of an ask of such a developing world of emotion and matter? It hurts to witness situations evolve into something which it’s not, into a twisted, more complicated illusion of what it once was.

Perhaps I haven’t quite witnessed the simplicity of this world, but I hope that one day it can be appreciated and endorsed. In reality frugality develops us, not expense and lust, the world is not the phrasing of what we could call “the life of Riley”.

A whole new level

Another week has gone by of Sixth form…

We had an assembly, and we got informed that we were already 25% into our AS level courses. When I heard this, I felt worried, shocked and surprised of how quick my life is slowly unfolding. I feel as though I have been in a bubble these last 7 weeks or so. Those 7 weeks have been an eye opener, if they have went by so fast, the remaining weeks leading up to our exams are going to speed by. Worried is an understatement. I am constantly told “Melissa, you’re always worrying”… I agree, I am always worrying, but it’s what I must do to make it clear in my own mind what I need to aim for. Perhaps worrying may not be the best way to express these feelings, however I know no other way.

My confidence definitely needs boosting…

We all live in one world

We all live in one world of six continents, inside these continents approximately 196 countries, harbouring masses of communities, all folding out into societies of people…



Anyone would expect theoretically the same world to consist of the same values, the same views, the same ideas. This however, despite geographic knowledge isn’t the case. Philosophically the world is divided by a diversity thesis within cultural relativism… Individuals' morals are inherited by history, passing down through generations, and in some cases distorting at times of progression. Each being has their own personality whether expressing a persona to impress or to satisfy their society and even families. The differences within the world are endless: appearance, belief, expression, faith and morals. No two are ever the same.

"I am a part of all that I have met."  ~Alfred Lord Tennyson. What we know is what we are comfortable with, what we choose to know is what we persevere with. We daren’t explore the unknown, otherwise our familiarities will no longer be, but interfered. We have our liberty, but daren’t advance over it. The world is one which is endless, but it has to stop at a point, we may choose to explore but limiting ourselves to where we feel safe.

Note to self

This note I need to take notice of…

Melissa, through out your education you have found things difficult: whether general challenges, work and even growing up. You have found growing up difficult, as you’re slowly realising that the World is a lot bigger than what you initially thought, therefore you are becoming more aware, more worried, more uncertain about your future. You’re finding challenges hard, as these are ones which you have never come across before, these challenges testing your ability and also preparing you for other things.
You need to understand that as you grow up, things become harder, intense and they seem impossible at the time, but this hard work pays of as you realised in your GCSE results. You found middle school hard with SATs tests and little quizzes in class, you sat there worrying about these tests determining your tutor classes – these little tests which looking back were never as scary as what you are now facing. You found GCSEs hard, near impossible,  but you did it, so what is stopping you from overcoming Alevel? You’re worrying too much, you’re overthinking, but I know you can’t stop yourself from doing so, as it’s what you must do in order to make these challenges clear in your own mind: how you’ll achieve the grades you want at the end of the two years. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to keep trying, don’t give up, if you gave up in previous education you wouldn’t be where you are today… And in future I know you’ll think the same “if I gave up Alevel I wouldn’t be in this University/career” you’ve got to think ahead – think positively, it’s hard to at the moment, but be patient. You’ll never give up Alevel, you know how important it is. What you chose to study at the time was what felt right, what is best for you… I know you’re finding these subjects hard, but they’ll get easier, not easier in a sense of work load, but you’ll feel more comfortable. You just need confidence, belief in yourself that you can do it, that at the end it will all be worth it, all the hard work will equate to success. I know you want to achieve greatly, who doesn’t? I know you’re stressed at the moment, as are many others, but work for yourself, for your future.
From me.

I need to follow this I know I must, it’s what is best, it’s just so difficult.

Unconfidence.

At this moment of time I was just about to redo my English Literature homework...

This English Literature homework which was to write an analysis on an opening of a novel in 500 words (due to it being such a strict word count, I am finding it near enough impossible, but it is essential I stick to this). I wrote this analysis and I got Miss to check through, as I was near 500 words and I was no where near finishing it; Miss marked my analysis, and in her own words "crossed out some waffle" which basically means sections which were irrelevant (but to me seemed good at the time), she then commented at the end saying "make sure you use concise expression and also, accurate grammar and punctuation", I actually feel quite stupid to know that to her I haven't used "accurate grammar and punctuation", surely this is basic English knowledge? Just because I didn't use a full stop before the word "this". I know that her comments are 'constructive criticism', however I thought my analysis was ok, but after recieving comments back from it I feel I can't do it - which sounds really dramatic, but it has honestly knocked my confidence. I have read my friend's analysis and it is brilliant, I just feel I will never be up to a good standard like I was in GCSE, I feel like I have literally forgotten to write properly - simply.
    I am just finding Alevel so hard and daunting... I want to do so well, it is essential I do so, it's the decider of my future - saying I am worried is an understatement, I am petrified. I am finding my Alevels so hard, all the terminology, context etc. I thought it would take only days to settle in, but I feel days will turn into months. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself, I never really have when it came to school work, I am confused on what to do to build my confidence...

Beauty

This post – the main part, isn’t going to be filled with clichés, I know you are possibly thinking so as the word ‘beauty’ has so many attached to it…

In Philosophy we were asked the question “What is beauty?”, this question needn’t to have been answered, as there is no question of what beauty is, beauty is a concept rather than an a opinion. We all know what is meant by beauty as we all have different ideas to what is perceived as beautiful, we all have knowledge to know on a scale which is higher or lower than another. However no one truly understands beauty. There is no such thing as true beauty, as this is defined as something unchanging, eternal and perfect, nothing in this world is defined in that way, therefore true beauty is outside this world – it can’t be fully understood or recognisable - it’s fantasy. "Beauty" is not defined as appearance, but in other ways such as music, films, poetry or literature... I find songs beautiful (two of these shown in Philosophy today: "Nearer my God to thee" by André Rieu and "God only knows" by The Beach Boys), I find films beautiful such as "Jane Eyre" and the wonderful classic "Titanic", I find poetry beautiful such as "Do not stand at my grave and weep" by Mary E. Fyre, "Spring in War time" by Edith Nesbit and "I Carry Your Heart" by E. E. Cummings. I find literature beautiful such as "The Lifted Veil" by George Eliot.

To me (even though these are clichés, they to me, are very true): nothing is perfect, everything is beautiful in it’s own way, beauty is indefinable, what might be less beautiful to me, may be more pleasing to the eye to you… Beauty is everywhere, in everything we do, it's easy to come across, however difficult to appreciate.

Being a teenager

We discussed today in Literature about being a teenager, the challenges in society, how we are seen from others perspectives: whether positively or negatively.

I am sixteen years of age, so I’d say I was in the middle of my ‘teenage' years. Being a teenager hasn’t changed me as a person apart from the obvious, growing up faster and the realisation of right and wrong in more depth and justification. Most of all realising who I really am, and that thinking that the future was a long way a way, but in actual fact it was all an illusion… I was too blind to see that the future was just around the corner. Everything I done when I was younger was for a specific, important reason, that reason was preparation, preparation to introduce me into a world which seemed so small at the time.

I am beginning to understand the bigger picture in the world, not just what was in front of me to analyse, but I now understand what is going on around me and that things do matter… In a way I wish I was younger so I didn’t have the constant worry at the back of my mind of what I will do after my Alevels… Will I excel in what I want to be? Will I go to University to further study? These questions I never thought I’d ask myself, I thought these questions were optional, but now I realise that in fact it’s reality, I am in reality, and no longer in a child’s innocent world when running around and having a care free mind was a novelty. I wish I didn’t have to reach these stage in life: decisions approaching, decisions which I know I won’t be good at making due to my indecisive trait.

Apart from education and the understanding of the world, it’s giving others an impression of yourself: physically and mentally. Impressions are important, these are what make you recognisable, memorable and what make you who you are. I ask myself should I have to change my opinions and the way I act just to make myself look ‘acceptable’ in others perspectives? Or should I be myself? I will be myself, besides if people don’t accept or understand you for who you are, then those people aren’t worth keeping.

Being a teenager… I like it, I like the feeling of responsibility, matureness, independence but I loathe the approaching future: the challenges coming up… When will they begin, and I ask myself when will they stop?

The next step up…

From posting recently I have moved to the ‘next step up’… By step up I mean educationally, from GCSEs to Alevels – step to me is an understatement, it feels like a leap!

I posted my GCSE results and I am proud of what I achieved and thought positively about Alevels, as I believed by doing well in GCSEs that Alevels would be slightly harder and more challenging, but I was wrong. I have been in Sixth form for five days so far, some lessons in these days have been introductory, so no hard work just yet, however in others we are starting the work.

     I am terrified by listening to the amount of work each course entails, and by viewing example exam questions and even essay questions, this positivity I once had, has now disappeared to a place which I feel I will never gain this back from. I know feeling negative isn’t the right frame of mind, but at the moment I cannot feel differently. I really want to enjoy these two years in Alevel as it is possibly the last real education I will receive, unless I go to University – which I am hoping to do. I am enjoying my lessons so far, but are finding them quite hard: more independence, more time to myself, more thinking ‘out of the box’ – which I am unsure of how to do and essays and exams quickly approaching.

     I hope, wish and pray that I do well in my first year of Alevel… I would be absolutely over the moon! I just need to feel more positive and have more confidence in myself, which I have been told I lack. I hope everyone is enjoying their time after year 11 with whatever they have chosen to do – good luck to you all!

Hi, and I'm back with news...

Firstly, I have surprised myself by not being on Blogger for quite a while, perhaps this is something to do with the exam period that thankfully has passed, or the fact that I now have a written journal and cannot find the time to post them electronically...

My news... As I was on holiday whilst everyone received their results I had to wait for the postman to arrive a day later, finally a brown envelope dropped through the letterbox and truthfully, I have never ran so fast, either has my heart beated so fast - nervosity is an understatement. Opening the brown envelope to reveal my overall grades...

Mathematics: B
Which I never thought I would reach, considering I am not a mathematical person, nor am I interested in the subject due to the amount of confusion it entails.

Art & Design: A
I was really pleased with this result, I enjoyed art at times, despite the work load. I got an A* in the exam and A in the course work, I am really proud of what I achieved considering I didn't really like my course work folder, but I suppose they did if I received that grade.

D & T: A
I was shocked by this result... I found the technology exam quite confusing due to the amount of theory that we had to revise and remember: materials, properties, methods of making etc.

Religious Studies: A
I was pleased with an A, but my target was an A* as in mocks I got A*s, but I am very grateful to get an A!

Spanish: B
I am really pleased with my B in Spanish, as the two years doing a modern foreign language was really hard, especially remembering vocabulary and grammar. I got an A in my written course work and a B in speaking, so I am really pleased!

English Language: A
I am so pleased with getting an A, as I really enjoyed English.

English Literature: A*
I was absolutely elated with achieving an A* in English Literature - especially because I am doing it in A-level. I couldn't stop smiling when I found out I got my highest grade in my favourite subject!

Science: A
Considering I don't particulary enjoy Science, I was really pleased that I got an A!

Business Studies: B
I am pleased with a B in Business Studies as on the first exam about a year and a half ago I only got a C, and on the controlled assessment I got a high A, being three marks of an A* (as they raised the mark boundaries), so to get a B overall I am really proud, it is a hard subject.

ICT: Distinction (Equivalent to two As?)
I am really pleased I got a distinction in ICT as I finished all my course work last minute, and didn't think I would reach merit, never mind distinction level! I despised ICT due to all the 'proof' which included continous screen shotting, written proof... It was painful!

I am really pleased with all my results, and I definitely surpassed my expectations of what my overall grades would be - I surprised myself. I am really grateful towards all my teachers, because without them, I would have never reached my grades - so thank you!

I hope I do just as well in A-level or even better... But we shall see when I open the brown envelope to reveal my final results in roughly two years time... I know those two years will go by quick, it is scary to think so... I know I will try my absolute best and aim high!

City begs.

Recently I was in London, and it was evident to see  the civilisation of persistent cultures, whether tourists or people who reside in the city. The on-going fascination of populated cities attract people of high interests and to some extent, patience. London has many other attractions, whether, historically or in terms of design, these aspects of such place creates iconic features alluring those interested in rich, overwhelming and tiring experiences.

The price tag and high expense to some is that of a ‘one off experience’, however to inhabitants it is a lifestyle which has been adapted, this being, disposing of their income in a luxurious or frugal manner.

Whilst in London it was evident to see the divide in social class: from rich to poor, from literate to illiterate, to those with further education to those with poor education. This segregation is so close, that those in a high hierarchy placement can be touched and approached by bruised beggars. It is almost a tease to be wearing top hats with pleasure, as they gallivant into their Rolls-Royce's driven by a chauffeur, whilst weeping hands extend in hope for sympathy from the rich pestilence as they see it.

I witnessed the prominence of the street liars, as they reach for a hand to hold, snatching money to their favour. I find it hard to understand why these beggars intoxicate their bodies with alcohol: is it to forget their constant pain of discomfort? Or, is it to make themselves feel good? It continues to puzzle me.

No one quite knows the emotion and reason behind a penniless person, but there must be a ruthless reason or perhaps a fault of their own. Their subdued manner is one that makes givers feel sorry for them, unless the beggar  is one of desperation, wailing and sobbing, whilst their crocodile tears blend with the perpetual rain showering their groans into the sewage.

In my own opinion, I believe that there shouldn’t be any level of guilt whilst walking down the street seeing homeless individuals and in some cases, homeless families - it's their life. In the same way, individuals walking down the street with a proud manner also have their own lives. The segregation may be unjust due to closeness, but it is modern society. No one is going to be of the same social class, so why acknowledge  the people diametric to ourselves?

The fashion world...

I’ve heard the cliché that beauty equates to success. Beauty as it seems, in this modern day is to be size zero, to be a skeletal figure with the lack flesh, a visage without character. The complexion to us of malnutrition, starvation and hunger, but in the Medias’ opinion, this face is one of beauty, one of ‘fashion’. Skinniness to the media, is not the average size 12, it is size zero: zero food, zero nutrition, but somehow to them it’s 100 percent beautiful.

This over shown airbrushed image of bones is surreal, unjust, and ugly. Females and even males form a constant burden of their figure, they feel they are unacceptable, overweight and not normal, but the way they view themselves in the mirror is constantly referred back to the ‘fashionable look’ - the size zero. People feel they need to fit the ideal image otherwise they aren’t accepted, no wonder so many are insecure. Naive young girls witness the media endorsing ‘skinniness’ to be healthy, to be right and most of all to be ‘beautiful’, nothing other than skinny can be accepted in their fashionable laws. To me, fashion by the media is shown to be that of perpetually dieting until ridiculously underweight, until skin and bone, until size zero.

There have been various complaints about the idealised figure in the fashion world (causing upset and insecurity to those with or without a sensitive disposition); this figure is overly shown: on the front of magazines, on television, on the internet and even as far as mannequins in shop windows. Due to this, ‘plus size’ models have been introduced, the name even sounds trite... Models are now labelled according to size, when will the fashion world wake up and see reality?

Models are selected individuals to flaunt clothing on the catwalk, this means setting an example to those who love fashion, giving the message “this clothing looks fashionable on my body”, but in reality, no one is absurdly skinny. They are almost modelling curtains: they are shapeless, loose-fitting and overwhelming for their petite bony frames. Personally, and I am sure plenty of others loathe to see surreal human bodies model clothes which we in reality, have no chance of wearing, as the possibility is, those clothes only fit the modelling population.

I couldn’t imagine the emotions of a model – a size zero model. Would this model feel as though they still aren’t ‘ideal’ and that they are overweight, or will some wake up and realise what they are doing to their bodies? Looking at their bodies must be reminiscent of a skeleton, a lifeless, frail frame with no inclination to move. But what differentiates a skeleton from a model, is a model has a life, it has to move, it has to live with the starvation, the hunger, the pain of not touching any nourishing foods – they feel the effects, and this, they have to carry on, just to be in the fashion world: to fit in, to be beautiful and to be accepted.

The mirror in the fashion world must be that of a shattered one, just as they shatter lives of aspiring and existent models: forcing them to be in their eyes, beautiful and perfect, forcing them to fit in. The path of success to these shallow employers of fashion is that of size zero, another skeleton with a walk of fragility whilst on the catwalk as if they’re about to snap.  

The problem with love.

I was on Twitter earlier and I came across a tweet...
(you can follow me if you wish: @MelissaMolloyxx)

"The problem with love is, that you can love whoever you want, but so can they". I am only young - 16, but to me I am old enough to know roughly what love is all about, and by hearing other's experiences of it, I realise that it's a hard thing, and perhaps, a hard thing to come by if you find your 'true love' without any flaws (almost as magical as those happy endings present in Disney movies).

Love is a wide topic, it can be love for whoever you wish, and this 'whoever', doesn't have to be a person, it could be a possession or a precious object. You may love a person in your life, the type of love in which is unconditional, but not necessarily mutual, as "the problem with love is, that you can love whoever you want, but so can they", the love may not be returned. No matter how hard you try to make this person attracted to you, to make this person perhaps recognise your love towards them, the feelings of that person may never change, may never alter to how you want them to be. We all love in different ways, and sometimes, as hard as it may be, we have to let others love who they want to love, they have the right as well as we do. It may be difficult to see that person love another, to see that person ignore the fact you are present, and to you, by them loving another they're rubbing it in your face, but really they are loving who they want to love. We can't change their feelings and we definitely can't stop them from 'moving on'.

The problem with love is... There a plenty of problems.

Nearly a month!

I haven't blogged for nearly a month!

Sorry to my followers that I haven't blogged recently. I suppose it's all these exams and revision that is keeping me away, and also losing my writing thoughts... I can't think of anything to write about. My mind is too occupied with the stress of studying, as are most of our minds at the moment - those that are taking exams.

I promise, I'll post a blog up soon!

Good luck to all who are taking exams at the moment, it is hard, but we can all get through it! I am not normally a positive 'thinker', but I suppose I have to be otherwise I won't succeed. These exams will soon be over, and I am really looking forward to it... Hopefully, I will then decide my alevels, and if I get into Sixth form! But until then, GCSEs are unfortunately the main priority.

A Royal wedding...

A Royal wedding celebrated by not only Britain, but countries all over the world, hitting millions of television screens to see a young couple form their futures together in the eyes of Royalty and the eyes of admiration...

When I first heard of the Royal wedding approaching, to be quite honest, I wasn't too bothered, I wasn't excited or in the slightest 'touched', as to me the date of the Friday 29th April would be that of a normal day, for ordinary people getting married. I was being told by various people that this day is one of the most important, and not to mention most broad casted ceremony, of a celebration that Britain will remember and plenty of others around the world, a celebration to which makes us proud to be British, proud to celebrate, in this case 'true love' of Prince William and Catherine Middleton... Now known to be the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

William Arthur Philip Louis and Catherine Elizabeth Middleton celebrated their 'Royal' wedding on Friday 29th April in front of millions of admiring eyes... Through television and also through the eyes of their family and friends...

On the morning of the 29th April 2011, I woke up knowing the Royal wedding would be broadcast live to the United Kingdom and to the rest of the world to see. All day was a line up of coverage from the Royal wedding, tributes including music and even a 'Will and Kate movie'. I was rather excited to watch the Royal wedding, to see the arrivals and most of all to see the happy couple make their vows, and of course to see that dress reveal - Catherine's dress, which people have been waiting to see. The most traditional, and to some, most 'important', the kiss on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, where the newly weds - Will and Kate, the Royal family including bridesmaids, page boys and in this case Catherine Middleton's family step out onto the balcony to appear and greet millions of admirers below them in The Mall awaiting their waves and that kiss which surprisingly happened twice by the, to me, perfect and beautiful couple, now know as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge: William and Catherine.

I watched the Royal wedding on ITV, from the guests arriving - ranging from celebrities to Royal family members and acquaintances, the moment when Prince William and his younger brother Prince Harry entered their car to arrive at Westminster Abbey, to the moment the Queen and Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburgh arrived. Best of all the reveal of Catherine Middleton's wedding dress, kept a surprise until this very day... And what a dress it was, designed by Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen - it certainly didn't disappoint. It was absolutely stunning, it complimented her frame well and most of all made her stand out from everyone, she really did shine, with that added beautiful smile on her face through the ceremony. Some say it was similar to that of a Grace Kelly iconic design dress... The dress was an ivory gown with lace applique floral detailing and a 2.7 metre train, this lace aligned above the sweetheart plunged neckline used for the sleeves. The lace detailed by individual flowers - thistles, roses, daffodils and shamrocks, it was definitely attention to detail, a lovely traditional, yet modern wedding gown worn by a modern but simple Catherine Middleton.

Not only did Catherine herself look lovely, but the guests also did with their formal wear, ranging from pastel to bright colours, some standing out, some austere and modest. Prince William and Harry certainly looked smart in their attire, Prince William wearing the uniform of Irish guards and Prince Harry on the other hand wearing Household Cavalry's Blues and Royals, wearing the new uniform of his rank.

Queen Elizabeth looked lovely and elegant, in a pastel yellow coat dress accompanied by a matching hat with a flower detail on its rim. Catherine's mother Carole Middleton also looked wonderful in a pale blue dress with a dress coat that had attached a detailed embroided fastening showing her figure and waistline, accessorised by a matching hat with detail above the rim and slight discreet detail under the rim. It was rumoured that Carole had changed her dress design a few times until she was certain to which one she liked, and to me, she made the right choice, a proud Mother to Catherine, and I am sure Catherine is proud of her too... They both looked lovely.

Catherine's sister Pippa Middleton also looked the part today in the Royal wedding, being Maid of Honour she really did make Catherine proud, she looked stunning wearing a simple, plain white/ivory dress which was fitted around her figure, but near the bottom formed a slight loose fishtail giving it elegance and shape. The bridesmaids and page boys looked equally as honourable and beautiful/handsome, the bridesmaids wore traditional dresses with a ivory gold band around their waists whilst the page boys wore a red tunic attire, with ivory trousers - they looked the part. The attire for the wedding was exquisite, various dress shapes, hat shapes and not to mention the amount of effort designers must have put in to create such beautiful clothing. This beautiful clothing didn't stop at the end of the ceremony, but in the evening, Catherine revealed her evening gown which she wore at the reception, this was the same designer - Sarah Burton, it was an ivory dress with a corsetted sweatheart neckline, below the torso a dimonte belt around her waistline, then the dress had a ruffled vertical flow reaching the floor, she accompanied the dress with a bolero, this complimented the dress really well. Catherine didn't dissapoint on her wedding day, she really did look a Princess.

All this exquisite attire was seen by millions of people as I said, millions celebrated, viewed and even visited the occasion by either camping in various places around London to join the couple in their own little way. Some brought tickets in order to queue to walk up to The Mall to get their prime position to feel the overwhelming atmosphere and to see that traditional 'kiss' on the balcony of Buckingham Palace. The crowd surrounding the monument infront of the Palace consisted of masses of people with gleaming and excited faces awaiting the moment, and to some, the seal and end of an exciting day which we have all been waiting for. Some described it as a 'fairytale', a start to a young couples adventure and to some a new generation, a new light to the Royal family, some even went as far to say 'The Royal family is back'... It needed modernising, new attention, as to some it may have been forgotten about, this has reminded everyone of our monarchy.

To me watching the live coverage of the Royal wedding, three moments stood out to me the most, not including the exchanging of the vows... But the moment in which Catherine was in the car accompanied by her Father, it showed the support and also judging by the smiles on her Father's face, how proud he was of I suppose his 'little girl' becoming part of the Royal family. Catherine showed no signs of any nerves, and spoke to her Father whilst on the journey to the Abbey, perhaps words of support, whatever the speech was, they both seemed happy and supportive of eachother. 

Another moment was when the newly weds stepped out of Westminster Abbey and stepped on the horse and carriage as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the smiles on their faces showed their appreciation for the crowds outside the Abbey, and the mutual love between them both. Once they stepped outside they took a deep breath, faced and smiled eachother and continued their walk up the 'red carpet' to the crowd in line and kept back by Metropolitan Police ordering that day. Catherine and William were friendly by waving and embracing the crowd in which they had.

 Further on in the day, surprisingly they emerged from the gates of Buckingham Palace still in their wedding attire sitting in Prince Charles' Aston Martin, in which William was driving whilst Catherine sat in the passenger seat on their way to Clarence House which was yards up The Mall. Ironically, the Aston Martin had balloons labelled 'C' and 'W' (the initials of their names), the numberplate was 'Just Wed' and on various ribbon strands there were items attached and dragging along the road - like a traditional couple would do. They were both waving and smiling to the crowds aside of The Mall, they looked overwhelmed and appreciative of everyones efforts and admiration for them both and for the best day of their lives.. And to those who experienced the atmosphere of being present, perhaps the best day of theirs.

To me the Royal wedding was absolutely wonderful! I loved every moment of it, from every step and choreograph of the day to every smile the couple made to one another and to their family and friends. Watching their story of how they met and how different they both were in 'social status' to me is a fairytale... How their differences caused media attention, and how they both coped, and now they are married, and joined as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge - William and Catherine Mountbatten Windsor. I know when I grow up I can say 'I watched the Royal wedding' as I now understand what an important event it really is, as still today people speak about how they witnessed Princess Diana and Prince Charles' wedding...

To write a book/novel

I'd love to write a book or a novel...

As well as aspiring to be a Journalist, for some reason I'd find it rather interesting to either write a book or a novel. There is a difference, which I just researched: apparently, a novel is normally fictional whereas a book can be that of fiction or non fiction, but for some reason a book can't then be novel?

Moving on, I'd love to write a book or a novel, I'd prefer to write a novel as being fictional can be anything, can be imaginative, more creative than that of a non fictional book. I can write for hours, perhaps 'babbling' on, but if I planned a novel for example it would therefore follow some sort of storyline. I am not sure of the genre I would like to write in, but I prefer genres along the lines of romance or perhaps mystery (but not the sort of Sherlock Holmes, more the sort of mystery when a character is unknown, but then introduced into some sort of twist in the novel itself). I suppose a novella would be quite interesting to write - a short novel in other words. A novella generally retains more highly developed characterization and more luxuriant descriptions than that of a novel. I once read a novella called 'Lifted Veil' by the famous Mary Ann Evans, otherwise well known for her pen name George Eliot. 'The Lifted Veil' was a lovely novella exploring the science behind Precognition and the life living with such 'power' and know how, that any other would not be able to visit.

Enough of explanations of types of reading matter... I would love to write any sort of literature, I love writing, I love being imaginative - even though my imagination has limitations and can sometimes 'babble', I feel once writing it could perhaps venture into something exciting, something creative. However I do feel writing a book or a novel would require more intelligence, one day I hope I'll be able to!

Splashed.

Nigella Lawson, the known to be 'domestic goddess' was spotted on Bondi beach previously in Australia whilst filming the upcoming series of Masterchef screening on the 1st May... Was not only splashing the waves, but splashing on the covers of every newspaper.

Nigella was wearing a 'Burkini' known to be that of a Burka and Bikini, designed by 'Modestly Active' an online company. This outfit normally known to be worn by Islamic women to maintain modesty and comfort, however Nigella wore it as swimwear whilst splashing with her water 'companion' Maria Mcerlane recently on the beach in Australia. The 51 year old Television cook, revealed to have 'sunphobia' on a recent blog, this could be the reasoning behind her 'cover up' which to some was a ridiculous, over the top and a humorous way of greeting sunbathers and the Australian 'scorching' sun which was explained to be at a moderate temperature, but to Nigella this wasn't the case. Nigella living in London used to the cold, chilly weather and not to mention torrential rain, is rather exposed and fearful of the harmful UV rays being emitted from the sun, therefore perhaps a Burkini was a sensible choice of clothing for one at risk. Her skin explained as a 'creamy porcelain' was protected by this swimwear which only revealed her hands and face was refracting the sun acting as a factor 50 guard... Which who can blame her is rather sensible for a woman who is at high risk of Cancer due to her mother and sister passing away.

I was first exposed to the media's discovery of Nigella's 'fashion crisis' causing an apparent 'stir' on the internet a night before the newspapers were released showing her on the front pages exposed to laughs and strange looks at the sight of what looked like a penguin and that of a strange fashion revelation, which revealed her ample curves. Yes, I admit I first laughed at the images of Nigella, but I really do sympathise with her, her approach to the sun to me is that of a sensible one: precautionary principle - it is better to be safe than sorry. She was having fun, comfortably, I have to say I cannot blame her, I would do the same. Nigella once explained that she would not be a fashion victim, that she cares more about comfort, to me, that is a good line to take. Why go out and be uncomfortable? Fashion doesn't have to be pain. Taken from another perpective, if Nigella wore a bikini to Australia's famous Bondi beach, she would have been scrutinised even more so than she has been, Nigella who is curvaceous and on the 'plussize' scale wearing a bikini would not have made her comfortable. Let the woman be, let her have her privacy, and just like those Islamic women maintain her modesty. She is not so 'food porn' and coquette as some may make out, she has more respect and coverage.

Can we be puzzles?

Being puzzles can mean many of things...

By being puzzles we could be explained as being confusing, a mystery or that of being incomplete and therefore not whole - having a missing piece. A puzzling person, as I often hear, is someone who confuses people, someone who you are not fully aware of who they are, what they are doing... They are a mystery in some ways.

Writing this blog post I am taking on the perspective of a puzzle being someone who is incomplete, broken... Someone who is sad in themselves, that cannot 'go on' as them they feel empty inside, they have a missing piece which can't be fulfilled or refilled. This normally occurs when someone passes away, I hear the phrase "I am incomplete without"... Him or her, that person, whoever it is, they feel as though they are stationary now without them, unable to carry on, unable to live, unable to be independent as once they were dependent on each other, caring for one another. If that person leaves have we really been taken apart? Losing our final piece, just like a jigsaw puzzle. We want to carry on living with this person, being close to that person to finish our lifes, them leaving turns into that missing piece stopping us from 'completing' 'ending' our lives with that special someone (just as a puzzle: we are near finishing the puzzle, but a piece has gone missing, that piece stops it from being fully complete - this irritates us, it makes it seem pointless to have even started the puzzle).

I do wonder whether we are all like a jigsaw puzzle. Whether we can be dependant, whether we can be just us. We all go through the stages of acceptance: indenial, realisation, grief and acceptance... Surely this puzzle can be fixed if this is true? We can't believe the person has gone, we realise the damage and the loss of that someone, we cry, we feel as though we are unable to carry on and then we realise we have to live on for that person, that person is in a safer place, a better place - we accept the loss.

Most of us get to the acceptance stage, so perhaps we shouldn't feel so incomplete? Live for today, live for that person, live for them as they wanted to live. Complete your dreams, and leave theirs behind, or follow their dreams and complete those for them... Solve their puzzle as you would yours.

Is this my life?

My life, is this it...

Me, myself sometimes look out of the window at the sky or in the mirror at myself and ask myself "is this my life?" not in the sense that I am ungrateful for life, but the way my life has happened so fast, I am now sixteen, where have those sixteen years gone? Where has my 'childhood' gone when I found colouring books a novelty and grazing my knee an every day thing, but now it's getting to a stage of responsibility, a stage where if I graze my knee I would have a hypochondriac thought - 'what if it gets infected? And I have to get amputated' or something preposterous as that.

And this responsibility, this 'growing up' and 'adolescence' is scaring me, it's hard for me to sometimes understand. I remember that day when I was ten years old and I would look at 'adults' and wish I could be older, have more responsibility, and more 'maturity' and less of the 'childish' ways of colouring books and playing hop scotch on the school playground... I wanted to be older, wanted to be at the stage that I am currently at - even though this is not 'adulthood', this is still approaching close by. I don't want to reach that stage anymore, I want to live in the Peter Pan world of 'Neverland', how ridiculous it sounds I would do anything to stay young, stay out of responsibility: no bills, no worries... Just living, free, without a care.

I suppose we are all curious and scared about approaching our futures, as really we have no guarantee of the upcoming events of our lives, instead we have an illusion to what we want to be - an aspiration, and some of us are very certain that we will reach 'our goals'... But we don't know that, there is no chance of knowing, as life has no guarantee, does it?

Everything happens for a reason, does it?

I always hear this phrase, is it really true?

I commonly hear this phrase, and in most cases it is thrown around quite often. A reason? I suppose there has to be a reason for everything as otherwise it wouldn't happen, for instance if you go to school, you go there to learn, if you have children, you may have them to love, create a family and to feel loved yourself or even if you decorate your house, it may be because you are bored of the same pastel of colours. I often hear this phrase when someone passes away 'that it happened for a reason', but what could the possible reason be? I've heard it's because they were too good, but surely everyone is too good if they were supposedly created in the eyes of God? I'd like to think that everything does happen for a reason, otherwise our lives and actions would be pointless.

The question I always ask myself is why life exists, there must be a reason, and unfortunately this hasn't been discovered, and most definitely never will be. A sad fact, however true, as our life is what defines us, and without a true meaning, can we really know ourselves?

"The end"

A quote a recently read... "Don't kill yourself, you'll miss the ending"

I am not too sure if there is a definite 'ending' to our lives, we all have different ones... Some of us have the misfortune of our lives being taken away too early - in some cases, too late, some of us live each day as it comes and some of us even know that our lives will be taken shortly.

'The ending'... What is this ending? To most the ending is our lives gone, no more, no less. Just gone. To some, our lives may carry on, in an afterlife of some sort, and to some this requires true imagination. To me, I have no thoughts about 'the end' no thoughts on where we shall be taken, who knows where we shall be lead? We may still be lying there in a box, not knowing any different other than we are dead and in a stationery position in which we are trapped, enclosed from the outside living.

But an end, I'm not sure there really is one. We all have different endings as I said, just like fairy tales... They are all 'happy' endings, but all in a different way, a different story. Surely this is the same as our lives? A similar purpose, but always ending differently.

In reply to my recent blog called 'The 'C' Word - Cancer'

I finally purchased John Diamond's book 'C: Because cowards get cancer too'...

Since yesterday I've read 3/4 of the book, it is extremely interesting due to its honest factual account by John Diamond himself of the cynical illness named Cancer. His language is inspiring and scientific from the opening sad sentence to the hope throughout the book, whilst suffering with the diagnosis of Cancer in the throat. He explained it as not being 'brave' as his definition of brave is that of risking your own life for others, using the example of if he took an illness from someone else to stop their pain and suffering (instead making himself suffer - putting his life at risk). Therefore, he thought himself as less brave as he had no choice - he was given and living with Cancer, not being able to stop it. He had to live with it.

He speaks cleverly about Cancer with his articulate language, he explains how illnesses and defects in health occur easily, 'consider, by the time you hit 40, your tattered heart has already thumped out a billion and a half beats: what can the chances be of any organ doing anything a billion and a half times and never making a mistake? Your 30 trillion or so cells have each replicated themselves a few thousand times: how could it possibly not be that a few of these cells would not band together in that state of cytological anarchy which leads to cancer and death? Consider anything the body does over and over, asleep and awake, consider the peril it writes every time it gets into a car, breathes a lung full - 150 million times a year, not counting the hours of panicky hyperventilation - of sour and sickly city air, eating something that's fatty or not fatty enough, and you are considering impending death', I find this extract from the book a rather intellectual perspective of life, the risks and how they equate somehow to impending death. His opinion of the cancerous cell to me, is a clever accuracy of its aims and cynical ways, 'this tedious life and death destiny isn't enough for the cancerous cell. The cancerous cell wants to go places, do things that its parents never had the chance to do. A cancer cell is the one that never grows up. The metaphor isn't a casual one: The cancer cell bears all the nastier traits of reckless youth', John explains the cancerous cell as doing things 'its parents never had the chance to do', being the previous cells that the cancerous cell was produced from, this shows John explaining the cancer cells as stubborn and selfish, taking over bodies to almost 'gain power' and in some sense, self accomplishment. Developing from this he explains 'the cancer cell goes where it likes and above all believes itself to be immortal' showing the difficulty of irradiating the cancer cells from the body.

The sad thing is the cynical cancer destroys lives rather selfishly. His and Nigella's daughter was 3 and their son only 10 months old during John's diagnosis. He has references to his wife Nigella kindly and innocently beautiful, whilst Nigella was on a put-u-up bed he explains her lying there next to him: 'Nigella looking beautiful and breathing gently in the put-u-up on the other side of the small room. If God wasn't exactly in his heaven, then He had surely popped out for only a short while', this brought a tear to my eye how John passionately explains his wife. Before his tracheotomy he was allowed home with Nigella, he explains 'we drove home and lay together in our bed for what was to be the last time as the couple we had been for eight years. Tomorrow I would become somebody else' by John saying his transformation into somebody else he meant how himself physically, emotionally and vocally would be totally differentiated from his current state - his current self.

After his treatment he went through phases of anger at his Cancer, taking it out on Nigella and their children, but then 10 minutes later being apologetic. He had restless nights, where he would keep awakening with pains and once he started thumping on the walls due to his pain and prolonging anger and in some sense, suicidal persona - Cancer had turned him. To prevent him from a suicidal outcome, he wrote that Nigella and their children kept him alive, explaining 'Nigella whom I love beyond measure and who kept me alive as much as did any medicine' it shows the strength of their mutual love for each other. The extract explaining how he felt he wanted a sense of release, being death to erase all pain and suffering. It made me wonder if death would be in a sense, the 'best way out' due to a fast process and quick sedation to all pain. I think people  automatically associate Cancer with the end and 'cure' being death, therefore causing sufferers to want to be predeceased before the Cancer selfishly takes over and kills them for good. The real question is do those 'life saving' treatments work as well as they should? As radiotherapy is potentially more damaging to Cancer in some aspects, but yet, still continues.There is always slight 'hope' but that hope is perhaps not enough for the constant anxiety and restless nights, whilst sleeping with cancerous cells multiplying inside your body, without any sympathy or justice. I couldn't live with Cancer, as by reading John's account of his treatment and suffering I feel as thought I can sympathise with him and feel some of his pain. I respect his bravery, but also patience with Cancer, as it holds out until it decides it's bored of squirming inside a body, and when the cancerous cells are no longer immortal.

Reading this account of John Diamond and his experiences living with Cancer, it makes me realise how lucky I am to not live in pain and suffering - with constant treatment which in some sense has no chance of erasing Cancer forever. As to me, if someone is a survival of Cancer, I believe, maybe harshly to some, that this Cancer will live with them forever. It never lets go, once it catches its 'victims'...

Never perfect?

Most of us constantly complain about ourselves, physically and even emotionally...

We look into our reflection and we see ourselves: the way we are and most of all who we were supposed to be from that minute in which we were conceived. Never mind all those variations of chromosomes and alleles, we were chosen for a specific reason to get to who we are today - ourselves.

Most of us look into the mirror and point out and critisise our negative traits, and in this modern day, due to media endorsement 'nobody is perfect', which I think is extremely unjust and insensitive. We see all these 'beautiful, perfect figured' women, which some of us can't be, impossible to be like, as we are ourselves, unique and beautiful the way we are - who do we need to prove ourselves to? The mirror, no, it's an inanimate object that fools us into believing we aren't good enough.

I watched an inspiring program tonight called 'Katie and her beautiful friends', about burn victims and people who have deformities, this features their emotional heartbreaking stories which brought a tear to my eye. The program was initially created to help those individuals gain back their confidence and overcome their fears of appearance, but me watching it made me realise how hard their lives must be, both physically and emotionally. On the program tonight Katie Piper had an open night introducing her charity called 'The Katie Piper foundation', which I think it absolutely fantastic and so kind hearted of Katie to do, the dedication in which she is inputting is unbelievable and so kind. I am inspired by Katie as she is confident in herself, and she is still as beautiful as she was before, and even inside, she is just as beautiful due to her kind heart and giving and sharing of support to others like herself.

This may sound like a phrase on a trite T-shirt, but we are all beautiful and perfect just the way we are, nevermind how physically different we are to our peers, we are unique, individual and most of all inspiring to others.

Next time you look at yourself, say "this is who I am, this is me. I am proud of myself physically as I am who I am, who I was made to be" because, you don't need to please anyone, you live for who you are, what you believe in, go around with your head held high. You are beautiful whoever you are and whatever you look like.

Just an end note: If you haven't already watched Katie's series that I have mentioned, I reccommend you do, it is inspiring and it shows what real people are, and who we should be: supportive, understanding and caring. Thank you Katie Piper, you are a true inspiration to me, and to all those people who have deformities...

Life

We all wonder about the world and it's 'ways' but what some of us don't understand is the pain and suffering and the constant 'life cycle'...

I sometimes wonder why this world allows us to be in pain and suffering, in this case for some of us, diagnosed with illnesses such as Cancer. I have heard different reasons why people believe we are 'chosen' to suffer or to pass away. Some of these being that the 'too good' people are chosen to pass away, to go to some place better - being Heaven, and others say that it is a test of a family or a person to see how they cope and react to losing someone. To me, I understand why people pass away due to illnesses, but so harshly, quickly and painfully - this is unfair - life is unfair. Yes, the world can be overcrowded so there has to be some mortality, but why with such horrible conditions for example Cancer, why not be given a ticket? How silly it sounds I know, but this way of life would bring much more ease to a family than living with someone constantly suffering, and commonly coming out of their suffering by passing away.

Not just passing away, but the wars, the natural disasters... All pain and suffering, if the world is so good and special why can't these be stopped, or is it us? Us causing all this mess and destruction? Do we bring it upon ourselves? We are obviously here for a purpose, and that purpose I am unsure of - everyone is unsure of. The life cycle is all the same: birth which brings happiness, growing up which brings mixed emotions, and then finally death which brings sadness, why are we here if this is the constant cycle? I've always wondered to myself. Life is a struggle most of the time, and for me at the moment: GCSEs and deciding my future. I have not yet experienced 'life' as it goes, but I am not looking forward to the future, there are so many decisions, which me being indecisive will find very difficult. Yes, decision making is not exactly 'pain and suffering' but it isn't exactly happiness.

Hopefully one day the purpose of life will be found out, as if we all knew the meaning we would live life to the full, and some of us who can't wait until the next day and not living for today, will understand that everyday counts...

The 'C' word - Cancer...

We have all heard of the 'C' word... Cancer.

It may be slightly ironic that I am once again mentioning Nigella, but when I have read up about her and her earlier life, I found that she had a late husband called John Diamond - who was also a Journalist. They married in 1992 in Venice, she and her late husband had two children together called Cosima and Bruno. Sadly John died of throat Cancer back in 2001...

I read numerous articles about his illness and how him and his family coped with it... Including his two children who at the time when he was diagnosed in 1997 were very young: Cosima being three and Bruno only being one (too young to understand). I found it upsetting to think that being diagnosed with a serious illness threatening to kill him, would affect his new family and all that he has worked for in his life. I watched a few videos which included her husband, her and their two children cooking, it brought a tear to my eye looking how happy they were, and how positive John was being with his children and making the most of his life.

I was intrigued to find out more about John's illness and how he coped, during researching I found a book John had wrote and published called 'Because Cowards Get Cancer Too', this book looks interesting, I want to buy it so I can understand more about how Cancer affects people and their day to day lives. I couldn't imagine being diagnosed with such a life threatening illness, especially having a loving family around me forming into a great life.

John Diamond's book that I want to purchase

Yes, Cancer is a common illness, but I don't think people fully understand - even I don't, about the effects of Cancer unless they have lived with someone suffering, but even then they can't feel their pain, their emotions, their fears. It must be such a struggle to live and fight each day as it comes, I understood this from an extract from John's book stating him asking Nigella to help him commit suicide as he couldn't take it anymore, the pain was too much and that he felt he knew the fatal outcome. Nigella refused to help him as she wanted him around for the children as long as possible, and she wanted him close to her, which is really sad to think that Cancer can cause such desperation to want to die, it must be so heartbreaking to fall like that and to see someone in that state of mind. Before he died, one of his last messages was "How proud I am of you and what you have become. The great thing about us is that we have made us who we are." this is so sad to think he had to leave his wife and children, that he won't see grow up. His last message showed that he was so proud of his wife and that how they met through their jobs, it also shows they made each other how they wanted to be, and that they achieved life together, and lived it exactly how they wanted to live it - happily and beautifully.

John, Nigella, Bruno and Cosima

I love a song at the moment called 'Cancer' by My Chemical Romance, it is such a lovely, emotional song, acting from the perspective of someone with Cancer, the lyrics are so understandable. It shows someone understanding that they may die "Gather all my things, and bury me in all my favourite colours", this line shows someone preparing to go, which is so sad as Cancer is damaging.



I couldn't imagine living with the pain and struggle of someone with Cancer or having Cancer myself. RIP to John Diamond and  all those poor people who have died of the horrible illness, and if you are one of those who have been diagnosed, stay strong and I am praying for you...

Sun!

The sun is out, spring is nearly here...

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining through the curtains - which was an unusual sight, as we are in England, and the normal forecast is rain, rain and more rain. No coat or umbrella today which made a change!

Seeing the sun always puts me in a good, positive mood... It's a shame we were indoors for lessons most of the day, but at break and lunch those rays of suns brightened my mood. It's great to see the sun out after the horrible autumn and winter we have previously had - a long one it has been.

However seeing the sun reminds me of the final GCSE exams which are upcoming, I had flashbacks of sitting in the examination hall taking the modular exams and also the mocks with the sun shining on my back... and feeling as though I wanted to be outside rather than stuck in a coop of room surrounded by thinking bodies. It hit home that this is when real work starts, real revision, real thinking, hopefully the weather continues to be nice to keep me in the positive frame of mind.

Spring and summer are just around the corner, as is exams. I hope the seasons will be good, as I do wish my exam results will be too...

Live for now, or the future?

Actions we take now count for our future...

We all go through phases in which we 'can't be bothered', when we are just too lazy to function, and yes, at that moment in our lives it's convenient for us, it suits us... But then, being lazy at that time or even messing around affects us in the long run. An example of this is sitting in class: most of us talk to our friends and let's be honest, not listen to what the teacher is saying... By missing that information being taught, does this damage our futures?

So really should we live for now or live for the future? I find it a hard question to answer, as if we aren't in the 'mood' to do work or to concentrate, how can we put our full potential and involvement in a subject when we just aren't interested?

In school I don't always listen -  I am sometimes too easily distracted, and I regret this looking back to Year 9 as perhaps if I concentrated a bit more then, I would be doing better than I am now - even though I am doing reasonably well. I sometimes look back into last week at those lessons when I got distracted and didn't concentrate and I think why was I so stupid? Or in an exam I get flashbacks of my ignorance in class, not listening and then because of this not knowing the simple answer to a question, of which I should have known.

Should we live how we want to live now? We may think it is right and convenient at the time, but in the long run it may affect us - not listening may leave us unintelligent, and being the 'class clown' in schooling years as some may say, might leave us being the actual clowns... Next time I sit in class, I am going to think "I may not be 'bothered' now, but in the future I will be" - we will all look back into the past when we are older, and think 'why?' and regretting the constant natter and lack of concentration. Live for the future, as well as for now.

Do people really understand?

Most of us in some point in our lives confide in others...

In parts of our lives we all go through a some what upsetting, 'bad' stage, in which we may chose to bottle up or share with others - confide in them for advice or comforting. I have been through the stage - as have most people, with this issue I have entrusted upon others for advice and support.

At that moment in time, where you are the main subject and in a way 'center of attention' it makes you feel like you are being listened to. Having that person sitting in front of you, comforting you and most of all having the heart to listen means more than anything. When people see you upset and not your ordinary character, they are obliged to help you as much as they can.

In that moment when you are explaining your pain, the person attentively listens, but you may feel you need to bottle up somethings from them as you are scared their view of you may change. We never fully explain a story behind something, because if we did, we wouldn't have our own personal thoughts, we are all entitled to bottle things up. We may also keep things to ourselves as we may feel that there is nothing that can be done: it's personal and there is no advice suitable. We all have our personal perceptions of ourselves and of others - no matter how hard they try, they can never change our perceptions. We think how we think, so sometimes by telling others they can't fully understand and may doubt why your upset, as them, themselves can't see your pain.

We all deal with our emotions in different ways, but what we must remember is there is always someone out there willing to help, and you yourself are entitled to keep things to yourself if they are hard to say...

Japan...

Such devastation that happened so suddenly...

The first I heard of the bereaved earthquake in the epicentre of Japan causing a horrendous tsunami was in school, I overheard a conversation about how Japan is now a devastating apocalypse due to such disfortune of an earthquake, which had no sense of warning or inclination.

As soon as I got home I searched on the Internet about the earthquake and my eyes were shocked to see such an unbelievable, surreal scenery of what seemed to be a waste land... But was in fact, once a place with inhabitants that lived their lifes in their own home, own safety as we do. So suddenly their lifes fell apart once this natural disaster struck: splitting families, damaging crops, ripping homes and the tsunami tossing cars and boats as if they were toys - the sight was upsetting.

The next day we purchased the local newspaper to find on the front such distressing images of what Japan has become, a land without life and most of all any evidence of living. What I saw was no more than broken solitude which once was populated with housing and people.

The devastation caused by a natural disaster...

I couldn't imagine the feelings and emotions people felt as the ground shook beneath them, as their houses fell or were swept away by the tidal movement of the tsunami. I couldn't imagine the fear in their eyes as they witnessed a disaster that will live with them - continous flashbacks, and witnessing people around them dying and suffering from aftershocks and the pain of loss.

Reading and seeing the visual damage of the disaster made me realise how lucky we are, how we are in a safe place, and that we always complain about the environment and those people always concerned about 'health and safety' when we are a hundred times better off than those poor, disfortunate people in countries such as Japan who have the constant risk and anxiety of when they will next be affected by natural disasters. I wish I could help those poor innocent people in Japan, I send my prayers and hope they will be okay...