Hello, I was supposed to write this on the date above... But as per normal I have stayed awake past midnight and have now just got the sudden urge to write this blog that I have been meaning to write all night. Sorry this might sound 'depressing' but I believe a blog is to put what you feel down...
The date of 26th January is really special to me as my older brother which I unfortunately never met would have been 17 today... and me being only 15, nearly 16 made me think. When I was younger we visited his grave every year for his birthdays and various other celebrations, but I never really understood the concept of death and losing someone that you actually didn't know and that you had no physical, personal connection to, only by emotions. We stood there: Me, Dad, Mum, Chloe and James around Daniel's grave all close together staring at his picture, with thoughts running through our mind with the coldness of the wind and the loss of him. My Dad said "17 years old" and my Mum said "how quickly it's gone", they couldn't believe how fast life went by, I was surprised myself, I can't quite believe I am nearly 16. My brother and sister returned to the car because of the cold and my Mum just travelled to my Nan and Grandad's grave just opposite. Me and my Dad stood there, I could see the sadness in my Dad's eyes so I reached out and gave him and hug just to reassure him that everything is okay and that Daniel is in a safer, better place. A tear came to my eye as I hugged my Dad, it was like I understood his pain, and I connected with myself and that I really do have a connection with my older brother Daniel who I never met, I wish I could... Maybe one day we shall talk and share things just like I want to now. "I wish there was a telephone in heaven so I could hear your voice" I wish he was here right now, looking out for me, being an older brother. I know he is looking out for me as some days I feel warmth and postivity, I feel his strength. On the way out of the cemetery I looked out the car window up into the sky, on eye level were trees, houses, plants... the normal. When I looked up, there were clouds fading into a blue mist whilst sunlight shone through the pillowed clouds as if Daniel was opening the clouds so the warmth of his heart shone on us, as if to say he is okay and protected.
I always think about Daniel, what he would have been like, whether I would have been different etc. I really wish that I could have met him, but then again could I have faced the pain of losing an older brother? He is now a beautiful angel looking down on our family. Perhaps he is 17 or maybe he stayed as a beautiful 6 month old baby boy... I'll always look up to him.
Thursday 27 January 2011
Tuesday 25 January 2011
"What if?" - we all ask this question.
"What if?" I know this is something that is quite trite and perhaps slightly philosophical? We all ask ourselves this question, in a way it is asking 'is that the right thing I done?' basically it is looking back and perhaps regretting or re-thinking about the past - dwelling.
I thought about this recently when I was talking to someone about the Physics program called 'Horizon: What is reality?' and the thought of "what if?" something was this way, would we be here now? It brought me back to when I watched a film a couple of years ago called 'Sliding doors' it is like a double-sided stories, if she missed the train after work that day she would have done... and when she caught the train she done this... It really made me open my eyes that one little thing could change someones life. The first side of the story: When she caught the train she got home and caught her husband with another woman, this totally changed her life, she found someone else etc. The second side of the story: She missed the train as a little girl was running about and bumped into her on the platform for a split second, she got home and everything was normal, her husband's mistress had gone before she came back. On one side of the story she has a horrific accident - I think it was a car accident, and on the other I think she had a miscarriage. I cannot fully remember the film, but it was amazing and it made me realise what reality was. "What if" relating to the girl in the story, her what if's were essential really, her life totally changed because of one split second. Imagine if I had done something different in my life, even if I wasn't writing this blog right now, would I have been doing something else, would I have the same emotion etc? It's endless. Should we really be thinking "what if?" or should we let the future, come and go, making the world continously spin around like always, or should we stop, and think, think how our lives would be different if we weren't who we are today.
To me the truth is simple, we are who we are, we are who we were supposed to be, the future happened as it always would. A time machine? To do what? To bring you back to "reality" well in actual fact the reality is present, who we are now, what we are doing now. NOW. It's all about now. I have learnt, the past is what it was. Life goes on, the past fades, no matter how much we try and bring it back. We will not feel the same that we did back then, we will not have the same emotion and connection to the past then the actual moment of that second we were there.
I thought about this recently when I was talking to someone about the Physics program called 'Horizon: What is reality?' and the thought of "what if?" something was this way, would we be here now? It brought me back to when I watched a film a couple of years ago called 'Sliding doors' it is like a double-sided stories, if she missed the train after work that day she would have done... and when she caught the train she done this... It really made me open my eyes that one little thing could change someones life. The first side of the story: When she caught the train she got home and caught her husband with another woman, this totally changed her life, she found someone else etc. The second side of the story: She missed the train as a little girl was running about and bumped into her on the platform for a split second, she got home and everything was normal, her husband's mistress had gone before she came back. On one side of the story she has a horrific accident - I think it was a car accident, and on the other I think she had a miscarriage. I cannot fully remember the film, but it was amazing and it made me realise what reality was. "What if" relating to the girl in the story, her what if's were essential really, her life totally changed because of one split second. Imagine if I had done something different in my life, even if I wasn't writing this blog right now, would I have been doing something else, would I have the same emotion etc? It's endless. Should we really be thinking "what if?" or should we let the future, come and go, making the world continously spin around like always, or should we stop, and think, think how our lives would be different if we weren't who we are today.
To me the truth is simple, we are who we are, we are who we were supposed to be, the future happened as it always would. A time machine? To do what? To bring you back to "reality" well in actual fact the reality is present, who we are now, what we are doing now. NOW. It's all about now. I have learnt, the past is what it was. Life goes on, the past fades, no matter how much we try and bring it back. We will not feel the same that we did back then, we will not have the same emotion and connection to the past then the actual moment of that second we were there.
"Emotion is messy, contradictory... and true" - NL.
Don't know if it is just me, but I am beginning to realise that emotions can change so quickly, feelings and your mood.
Ever since the start of year 11 my emotions/feelings have been all over the place - up and down, up and down. Sometimes it is like I don't know or understand myself anymore. Perhaps it is because I am tired, fed up of exams, waking up early, worrying about grades, worrying about the future and what it has to hold - it is all too much for a 15/16 year old girl. When I was in Middle school, Upper school seemed lifetimes away, I had no care in the world for anything apart from my friends and family because education at that point didn't seem formal and 'important' as much as I tried my best, I didn't think it would count for anything. Sometimes I just sit there, bored, thinking about things - random things, over and over in my mind, dwelling on things, I know I shouldn't but I do. When I do it I cry, no reason, I just do.
Not meaning to mention Nigella Lawson, but when I found out about the book signing, it was a real opportunity for me; I rang my mum asking if I could go, but she said no because it was an awkward day and time (which I understood: Thursday 9th December 2010, 7pm, Waterstones, Piccadilly, London)... I really wanted to go so I literally asked everyone whether they would take me and eventually I asked my Auntie, she said yes I was elated! So since the date of 25th November - around then, I was waiting for the book signing to come... It seemed like forever. It finally came, I was so hyper at school, literally laughing all day long to really think that I was meeting my idol Nigella Lawson the one on Television, the one in all those photos I had looked at! It was unbelievable, still in shock that I met her. When we got inside the venue there were two seats - one for Nigella and the other for the interiewer. We sat down at the back waiting for Nigella to enter... As there were about 4 different double doors I was constantly moving my eyes at each door waiting anxiously, I would say patiently, but that would be lying. She entered, at that moment I would have been described as a 'Chesire cat'. She done the hour interview in which she made some funny comments, but half I was just laughing along not knowing what they were about - literally the youngest at that book signing, me, Sasha and Chloe got the weirdest looks entering almost as if to say 'Oh I didn't know young ladies were interested in cooking shows, never mind Nigella's' but in actual fact we aren't really interested in her cooking it's her, herself... The things she has been through and how strong she is (I'll have to do a blog on this one day...). Afterwards was the book signing bit, I literally launched myself to the front of the queue. I must have been about 10th in line out of roughly 60-70 people - it was a private function so there we limited tickets. I was okay until I was literally steps away from meeting her - talking to her, I walked up. She read the postik note saying 'Melissa' that the staff had to write on everyone's book so Nigella knew the spelling etc, when she said my name she looked up, I was like *shock* - literally starstruck! How sad I am but I am this sort of person: I made her a Christmas card to wish her Merry Christmas to her and her family and a happy life in their new home... She was literally speechless she said something like 'Did you make this?' and I replied 'Yes' and she couldn't stop touching it in shock, she probably thought that people of my age liking Nigella Lawson and being a fan and someone thinking of making her a Christmas card is so nice. I felt really proud that I made her happy - how sad that sounds, but true. She was really grateful, and it really showed me her true colours and that the critism she gets is not even half true. I left the table... Not wanting to leave I had to make the most of the moment and I probably made myself look a complete fool but I said something like 'You are amazing' and she looked up and smiled! On the way back to the train station I couldn't stop talking about the night and I was so happy that it had been done, but sad it was over, the moment/day I had been waiting for. That weekend I must have cried about 6 times, about nothing really, my mum and dad were really concerned but I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I just sat there and cried. My mum said maybe it is because you were so excited about going and it was over so fast - I agree, waiting about 2/3 weeks for an event an amazing event for it to be over in literally a matter of hours... A friend said to me the other day "don't look back and be sad about a day that you miss, be proud and happy that you had done it" and it made me think: you know what that quote is so true. I met Nigella!
I have learnt to think positive and not to dwell on the past... Look forward and be hopeful. Be proud of what you have done, no regrets.
Ever since the start of year 11 my emotions/feelings have been all over the place - up and down, up and down. Sometimes it is like I don't know or understand myself anymore. Perhaps it is because I am tired, fed up of exams, waking up early, worrying about grades, worrying about the future and what it has to hold - it is all too much for a 15/16 year old girl. When I was in Middle school, Upper school seemed lifetimes away, I had no care in the world for anything apart from my friends and family because education at that point didn't seem formal and 'important' as much as I tried my best, I didn't think it would count for anything. Sometimes I just sit there, bored, thinking about things - random things, over and over in my mind, dwelling on things, I know I shouldn't but I do. When I do it I cry, no reason, I just do.
Not meaning to mention Nigella Lawson, but when I found out about the book signing, it was a real opportunity for me; I rang my mum asking if I could go, but she said no because it was an awkward day and time (which I understood: Thursday 9th December 2010, 7pm, Waterstones, Piccadilly, London)... I really wanted to go so I literally asked everyone whether they would take me and eventually I asked my Auntie, she said yes I was elated! So since the date of 25th November - around then, I was waiting for the book signing to come... It seemed like forever. It finally came, I was so hyper at school, literally laughing all day long to really think that I was meeting my idol Nigella Lawson the one on Television, the one in all those photos I had looked at! It was unbelievable, still in shock that I met her. When we got inside the venue there were two seats - one for Nigella and the other for the interiewer. We sat down at the back waiting for Nigella to enter... As there were about 4 different double doors I was constantly moving my eyes at each door waiting anxiously, I would say patiently, but that would be lying. She entered, at that moment I would have been described as a 'Chesire cat'. She done the hour interview in which she made some funny comments, but half I was just laughing along not knowing what they were about - literally the youngest at that book signing, me, Sasha and Chloe got the weirdest looks entering almost as if to say 'Oh I didn't know young ladies were interested in cooking shows, never mind Nigella's' but in actual fact we aren't really interested in her cooking it's her, herself... The things she has been through and how strong she is (I'll have to do a blog on this one day...). Afterwards was the book signing bit, I literally launched myself to the front of the queue. I must have been about 10th in line out of roughly 60-70 people - it was a private function so there we limited tickets. I was okay until I was literally steps away from meeting her - talking to her, I walked up. She read the postik note saying 'Melissa' that the staff had to write on everyone's book so Nigella knew the spelling etc, when she said my name she looked up, I was like *shock* - literally starstruck! How sad I am but I am this sort of person: I made her a Christmas card to wish her Merry Christmas to her and her family and a happy life in their new home... She was literally speechless she said something like 'Did you make this?' and I replied 'Yes' and she couldn't stop touching it in shock, she probably thought that people of my age liking Nigella Lawson and being a fan and someone thinking of making her a Christmas card is so nice. I felt really proud that I made her happy - how sad that sounds, but true. She was really grateful, and it really showed me her true colours and that the critism she gets is not even half true. I left the table... Not wanting to leave I had to make the most of the moment and I probably made myself look a complete fool but I said something like 'You are amazing' and she looked up and smiled! On the way back to the train station I couldn't stop talking about the night and I was so happy that it had been done, but sad it was over, the moment/day I had been waiting for. That weekend I must have cried about 6 times, about nothing really, my mum and dad were really concerned but I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I just sat there and cried. My mum said maybe it is because you were so excited about going and it was over so fast - I agree, waiting about 2/3 weeks for an event an amazing event for it to be over in literally a matter of hours... A friend said to me the other day "don't look back and be sad about a day that you miss, be proud and happy that you had done it" and it made me think: you know what that quote is so true. I met Nigella!
I have learnt to think positive and not to dwell on the past... Look forward and be hopeful. Be proud of what you have done, no regrets.
Dreams, can they really be analysed and open to interpretation?
We have all had plently of dreams, some based on 'reality' and some literally surreal - we have all had them. Can they really be given a meaning, an analysis?
I've had so many dreams, and over the last few months, I have realised that I dream about things that happen throughout the day or maybe something that was briefly mentioned. This is called perception without awareness also know maybe as subliminal perception. So dreaming about things may not necessarily have a meaning, it is just something that has subconsciously on your mind...
I've had so many dreams, and over the last few months, I have realised that I dream about things that happen throughout the day or maybe something that was briefly mentioned. This is called perception without awareness also know maybe as subliminal perception. So dreaming about things may not necessarily have a meaning, it is just something that has subconsciously on your mind...
Monday 24 January 2011
Quotations.
"There will always be a 'lie' in believe, 'over' in lover, 'end' in friends and 'if' in life" (Anon) - Sad, but true. I definitely understand this one: what if? I know you shouldn't think like that, but it's an interesting perspective of life.
"I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry" (Anon) - You realise that what you have cried about may seem 'silly' but then looking back on the laughs you miss them, it's sad.
"Wishes heaven had a phone, so I could hear your voice again, I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame" (Anon) - Miss you my beautiful Nan, it's been two years, and I am still thinking of you each and everyday, every moment and wondering if you are looking down on me, I know you are as you would have wished that. I love you so much, and I know you're in a safer place and that's heaven, one day I'll see you and give you a big hug like ours before.
"In life, it's best to just let it happen. Things mess up, people come and leave, memories fade, but at the end of the day you're only living as one person, if you're not happy, simply do something about it" (Anon) - Life is sometimes horrible, life is too short... Let mistakes and sad things rub off and be forgotten, if you're not happy, life has taken over and it shouldn't. Be yourself, live for the moment, smile.
"He ignores you, but you still like him. He does nothing, but you fall for him, you miss him, eventhough you know he's never thought about you, not even once" (Anon) - Love is blind, it takes over... no one see's the 'real, inner' person of the one you love.
"And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up" (Nigella Lawson) - Things build up, and reminders are always present, this makes us all dwell on things. Especially something as powerful as death which has a degree of madness.
"At some stages of your life you will deal with things and at others you are overwhelmed with misery and anxiety" (Nigella Lawson) - Somethings in life just can't be dealt with and forgotten, emotional is messy and contradictory.
"But if you know that something has been really vicious, you don't read it. You don't let it into your head. What's damaging is when sentences go through your head and you burn with the injustice of it" (Nigella Lawson) - People sit there and read, dwell on horrible comments etc about themselves, why do it? It's just upsetting, and if it keeps going around in your mind it's unfair and it makes you regret ever reading it.
"I never have plans for the future as you never know how things will turn out" (Nigella Lawson) - Why plan things when the future is never definite, why set stone when life changes, things change, people change, the environment changes... Let the future take hold, there is so many possibilities, why close those down so quickly?
"I think maybe when you live with someone who is really ill for a long time, it somehow gives you a more greedy appetitie for life and maybe, yes, you are less measured in your behaviour than you otherwise would be" (Nigella Lawson) - Seeing other peoples pain and suffering, especially loved ones, makes you realise that life is far too short, and that they are trying to grab on for life whilst life comes easy and is being kind to you, be grateful, take advantage of life, as it doesn't stay forever.
"There is a kind of euphoria of grief, a degree of madness" (Nigella Lawson)
"There is a vast difference between how things seem from the outside and how they feel on the inside" (Nigella Lawson) - People can easily mask their emotions by putting on a brave face, but infact, inside they are unhappy, in need of support. No one should just judge people based on how they look, but also ask them how they feel - let them open up to you.
"You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be" (Nigella Lawson) - Physically you are not grieving: crying etc, but inside, in your heart and mind you are thinking about your loss and not letting yourself dwell on it, as life goes on, it has to, it must. You will always feel heartache towards loss, but you won't let it take over - life is too short.
I love quotations, they're all so true. Quotations are what inspire us and make us think about life etc.
"I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry" (Anon) - You realise that what you have cried about may seem 'silly' but then looking back on the laughs you miss them, it's sad.
"Wishes heaven had a phone, so I could hear your voice again, I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame" (Anon) - Miss you my beautiful Nan, it's been two years, and I am still thinking of you each and everyday, every moment and wondering if you are looking down on me, I know you are as you would have wished that. I love you so much, and I know you're in a safer place and that's heaven, one day I'll see you and give you a big hug like ours before.
"In life, it's best to just let it happen. Things mess up, people come and leave, memories fade, but at the end of the day you're only living as one person, if you're not happy, simply do something about it" (Anon) - Life is sometimes horrible, life is too short... Let mistakes and sad things rub off and be forgotten, if you're not happy, life has taken over and it shouldn't. Be yourself, live for the moment, smile.
"He ignores you, but you still like him. He does nothing, but you fall for him, you miss him, eventhough you know he's never thought about you, not even once" (Anon) - Love is blind, it takes over... no one see's the 'real, inner' person of the one you love.
"And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up" (Nigella Lawson) - Things build up, and reminders are always present, this makes us all dwell on things. Especially something as powerful as death which has a degree of madness.
"At some stages of your life you will deal with things and at others you are overwhelmed with misery and anxiety" (Nigella Lawson) - Somethings in life just can't be dealt with and forgotten, emotional is messy and contradictory.
"But if you know that something has been really vicious, you don't read it. You don't let it into your head. What's damaging is when sentences go through your head and you burn with the injustice of it" (Nigella Lawson) - People sit there and read, dwell on horrible comments etc about themselves, why do it? It's just upsetting, and if it keeps going around in your mind it's unfair and it makes you regret ever reading it.
"I never have plans for the future as you never know how things will turn out" (Nigella Lawson) - Why plan things when the future is never definite, why set stone when life changes, things change, people change, the environment changes... Let the future take hold, there is so many possibilities, why close those down so quickly?
"I think maybe when you live with someone who is really ill for a long time, it somehow gives you a more greedy appetitie for life and maybe, yes, you are less measured in your behaviour than you otherwise would be" (Nigella Lawson) - Seeing other peoples pain and suffering, especially loved ones, makes you realise that life is far too short, and that they are trying to grab on for life whilst life comes easy and is being kind to you, be grateful, take advantage of life, as it doesn't stay forever.
"There is a kind of euphoria of grief, a degree of madness" (Nigella Lawson)
"There is a vast difference between how things seem from the outside and how they feel on the inside" (Nigella Lawson) - People can easily mask their emotions by putting on a brave face, but infact, inside they are unhappy, in need of support. No one should just judge people based on how they look, but also ask them how they feel - let them open up to you.
"You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be" (Nigella Lawson) - Physically you are not grieving: crying etc, but inside, in your heart and mind you are thinking about your loss and not letting yourself dwell on it, as life goes on, it has to, it must. You will always feel heartache towards loss, but you won't let it take over - life is too short.
I love quotations, they're all so true. Quotations are what inspire us and make us think about life etc.
'Blue Monday', seemed 'normal' to me.
Well 'Blue Monday' was supposedly last Monday, but had been changed to today: Monday 24th January...
Hoping we didn't have an assembly due to exams today, dreading the lectures and repeated exaggeration of behavioural 'issues' etc, unfortunately enough for me, and many others in year 11 there was infact an assembly! As per normal lining up, going in, sitting down, looking for the teacher taking the assembly... We all sat there silent. The assistant head took the assembly, and whilst introducing it she mentioned that it was apparently 'a special day' which totally confused me and others judging by the looks on their faces, she mentioned her husband's birthday which had absolutely no relevance of any sort, and her phone even went off - always breaking the silence in assembly, at least there is some 'action/amusement'. The 'special day' was infact 'Blue Monday' which I had no clue about, judging by 'blue' I guessed depression, but why today of all days? Well apparently it's a 'calculation' used including: amount of debt we are all in, loss of the Christmas spirit and a mixture of other things - all seems rather odd to me. Why have a 'Blue Monday', it is probably all physcological, if no mathematical braniac worked out and equasion and put forward the idea half the people today would have been 'normal' - no one would have noticed 'depression'. To me everyone was just in the same old mood... revision, exams, teachers and others - complete stress. 'Blue Monday'? A bit of a farce to me...
Hoping we didn't have an assembly due to exams today, dreading the lectures and repeated exaggeration of behavioural 'issues' etc, unfortunately enough for me, and many others in year 11 there was infact an assembly! As per normal lining up, going in, sitting down, looking for the teacher taking the assembly... We all sat there silent. The assistant head took the assembly, and whilst introducing it she mentioned that it was apparently 'a special day' which totally confused me and others judging by the looks on their faces, she mentioned her husband's birthday which had absolutely no relevance of any sort, and her phone even went off - always breaking the silence in assembly, at least there is some 'action/amusement'. The 'special day' was infact 'Blue Monday' which I had no clue about, judging by 'blue' I guessed depression, but why today of all days? Well apparently it's a 'calculation' used including: amount of debt we are all in, loss of the Christmas spirit and a mixture of other things - all seems rather odd to me. Why have a 'Blue Monday', it is probably all physcological, if no mathematical braniac worked out and equasion and put forward the idea half the people today would have been 'normal' - no one would have noticed 'depression'. To me everyone was just in the same old mood... revision, exams, teachers and others - complete stress. 'Blue Monday'? A bit of a farce to me...
At the stage of nearly deciding 'A' levels... is it finalising?
This is the time that I, and I am sure many others have been waiting for... Finalising their futures.
I suppose I feel positive about the future in some ways, but in others it just seems so far away that I don't have to worry, and I don't have to plan - the reality is I do. I am faced with the reality that choosing these 'A' levels maybe a barrier in my future, if I don't choose right now I'm almost dead-ended in a career. I am pretty certain of a career path I want to follow at the moment, and that is along the lines of maybe Journalism - I love writing, but I am also considering something in Law such as a Barrister? After doing research on both of these career paths they both seem difficult to get into, but I suppose every career path will be complicated and 'difficult', all I need to do is apply myself as I am doing now....
I suppose I feel positive about the future in some ways, but in others it just seems so far away that I don't have to worry, and I don't have to plan - the reality is I do. I am faced with the reality that choosing these 'A' levels maybe a barrier in my future, if I don't choose right now I'm almost dead-ended in a career. I am pretty certain of a career path I want to follow at the moment, and that is along the lines of maybe Journalism - I love writing, but I am also considering something in Law such as a Barrister? After doing research on both of these career paths they both seem difficult to get into, but I suppose every career path will be complicated and 'difficult', all I need to do is apply myself as I am doing now....
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