In reply to my recent blog called 'The 'C' Word - Cancer'

I finally purchased John Diamond's book 'C: Because cowards get cancer too'...

Since yesterday I've read 3/4 of the book, it is extremely interesting due to its honest factual account by John Diamond himself of the cynical illness named Cancer. His language is inspiring and scientific from the opening sad sentence to the hope throughout the book, whilst suffering with the diagnosis of Cancer in the throat. He explained it as not being 'brave' as his definition of brave is that of risking your own life for others, using the example of if he took an illness from someone else to stop their pain and suffering (instead making himself suffer - putting his life at risk). Therefore, he thought himself as less brave as he had no choice - he was given and living with Cancer, not being able to stop it. He had to live with it.

He speaks cleverly about Cancer with his articulate language, he explains how illnesses and defects in health occur easily, 'consider, by the time you hit 40, your tattered heart has already thumped out a billion and a half beats: what can the chances be of any organ doing anything a billion and a half times and never making a mistake? Your 30 trillion or so cells have each replicated themselves a few thousand times: how could it possibly not be that a few of these cells would not band together in that state of cytological anarchy which leads to cancer and death? Consider anything the body does over and over, asleep and awake, consider the peril it writes every time it gets into a car, breathes a lung full - 150 million times a year, not counting the hours of panicky hyperventilation - of sour and sickly city air, eating something that's fatty or not fatty enough, and you are considering impending death', I find this extract from the book a rather intellectual perspective of life, the risks and how they equate somehow to impending death. His opinion of the cancerous cell to me, is a clever accuracy of its aims and cynical ways, 'this tedious life and death destiny isn't enough for the cancerous cell. The cancerous cell wants to go places, do things that its parents never had the chance to do. A cancer cell is the one that never grows up. The metaphor isn't a casual one: The cancer cell bears all the nastier traits of reckless youth', John explains the cancerous cell as doing things 'its parents never had the chance to do', being the previous cells that the cancerous cell was produced from, this shows John explaining the cancer cells as stubborn and selfish, taking over bodies to almost 'gain power' and in some sense, self accomplishment. Developing from this he explains 'the cancer cell goes where it likes and above all believes itself to be immortal' showing the difficulty of irradiating the cancer cells from the body.

The sad thing is the cynical cancer destroys lives rather selfishly. His and Nigella's daughter was 3 and their son only 10 months old during John's diagnosis. He has references to his wife Nigella kindly and innocently beautiful, whilst Nigella was on a put-u-up bed he explains her lying there next to him: 'Nigella looking beautiful and breathing gently in the put-u-up on the other side of the small room. If God wasn't exactly in his heaven, then He had surely popped out for only a short while', this brought a tear to my eye how John passionately explains his wife. Before his tracheotomy he was allowed home with Nigella, he explains 'we drove home and lay together in our bed for what was to be the last time as the couple we had been for eight years. Tomorrow I would become somebody else' by John saying his transformation into somebody else he meant how himself physically, emotionally and vocally would be totally differentiated from his current state - his current self.

After his treatment he went through phases of anger at his Cancer, taking it out on Nigella and their children, but then 10 minutes later being apologetic. He had restless nights, where he would keep awakening with pains and once he started thumping on the walls due to his pain and prolonging anger and in some sense, suicidal persona - Cancer had turned him. To prevent him from a suicidal outcome, he wrote that Nigella and their children kept him alive, explaining 'Nigella whom I love beyond measure and who kept me alive as much as did any medicine' it shows the strength of their mutual love for each other. The extract explaining how he felt he wanted a sense of release, being death to erase all pain and suffering. It made me wonder if death would be in a sense, the 'best way out' due to a fast process and quick sedation to all pain. I think people  automatically associate Cancer with the end and 'cure' being death, therefore causing sufferers to want to be predeceased before the Cancer selfishly takes over and kills them for good. The real question is do those 'life saving' treatments work as well as they should? As radiotherapy is potentially more damaging to Cancer in some aspects, but yet, still continues.There is always slight 'hope' but that hope is perhaps not enough for the constant anxiety and restless nights, whilst sleeping with cancerous cells multiplying inside your body, without any sympathy or justice. I couldn't live with Cancer, as by reading John's account of his treatment and suffering I feel as thought I can sympathise with him and feel some of his pain. I respect his bravery, but also patience with Cancer, as it holds out until it decides it's bored of squirming inside a body, and when the cancerous cells are no longer immortal.

Reading this account of John Diamond and his experiences living with Cancer, it makes me realise how lucky I am to not live in pain and suffering - with constant treatment which in some sense has no chance of erasing Cancer forever. As to me, if someone is a survival of Cancer, I believe, maybe harshly to some, that this Cancer will live with them forever. It never lets go, once it catches its 'victims'...

Never perfect?

Most of us constantly complain about ourselves, physically and even emotionally...

We look into our reflection and we see ourselves: the way we are and most of all who we were supposed to be from that minute in which we were conceived. Never mind all those variations of chromosomes and alleles, we were chosen for a specific reason to get to who we are today - ourselves.

Most of us look into the mirror and point out and critisise our negative traits, and in this modern day, due to media endorsement 'nobody is perfect', which I think is extremely unjust and insensitive. We see all these 'beautiful, perfect figured' women, which some of us can't be, impossible to be like, as we are ourselves, unique and beautiful the way we are - who do we need to prove ourselves to? The mirror, no, it's an inanimate object that fools us into believing we aren't good enough.

I watched an inspiring program tonight called 'Katie and her beautiful friends', about burn victims and people who have deformities, this features their emotional heartbreaking stories which brought a tear to my eye. The program was initially created to help those individuals gain back their confidence and overcome their fears of appearance, but me watching it made me realise how hard their lives must be, both physically and emotionally. On the program tonight Katie Piper had an open night introducing her charity called 'The Katie Piper foundation', which I think it absolutely fantastic and so kind hearted of Katie to do, the dedication in which she is inputting is unbelievable and so kind. I am inspired by Katie as she is confident in herself, and she is still as beautiful as she was before, and even inside, she is just as beautiful due to her kind heart and giving and sharing of support to others like herself.

This may sound like a phrase on a trite T-shirt, but we are all beautiful and perfect just the way we are, nevermind how physically different we are to our peers, we are unique, individual and most of all inspiring to others.

Next time you look at yourself, say "this is who I am, this is me. I am proud of myself physically as I am who I am, who I was made to be" because, you don't need to please anyone, you live for who you are, what you believe in, go around with your head held high. You are beautiful whoever you are and whatever you look like.

Just an end note: If you haven't already watched Katie's series that I have mentioned, I reccommend you do, it is inspiring and it shows what real people are, and who we should be: supportive, understanding and caring. Thank you Katie Piper, you are a true inspiration to me, and to all those people who have deformities...

Life

We all wonder about the world and it's 'ways' but what some of us don't understand is the pain and suffering and the constant 'life cycle'...

I sometimes wonder why this world allows us to be in pain and suffering, in this case for some of us, diagnosed with illnesses such as Cancer. I have heard different reasons why people believe we are 'chosen' to suffer or to pass away. Some of these being that the 'too good' people are chosen to pass away, to go to some place better - being Heaven, and others say that it is a test of a family or a person to see how they cope and react to losing someone. To me, I understand why people pass away due to illnesses, but so harshly, quickly and painfully - this is unfair - life is unfair. Yes, the world can be overcrowded so there has to be some mortality, but why with such horrible conditions for example Cancer, why not be given a ticket? How silly it sounds I know, but this way of life would bring much more ease to a family than living with someone constantly suffering, and commonly coming out of their suffering by passing away.

Not just passing away, but the wars, the natural disasters... All pain and suffering, if the world is so good and special why can't these be stopped, or is it us? Us causing all this mess and destruction? Do we bring it upon ourselves? We are obviously here for a purpose, and that purpose I am unsure of - everyone is unsure of. The life cycle is all the same: birth which brings happiness, growing up which brings mixed emotions, and then finally death which brings sadness, why are we here if this is the constant cycle? I've always wondered to myself. Life is a struggle most of the time, and for me at the moment: GCSEs and deciding my future. I have not yet experienced 'life' as it goes, but I am not looking forward to the future, there are so many decisions, which me being indecisive will find very difficult. Yes, decision making is not exactly 'pain and suffering' but it isn't exactly happiness.

Hopefully one day the purpose of life will be found out, as if we all knew the meaning we would live life to the full, and some of us who can't wait until the next day and not living for today, will understand that everyday counts...

The 'C' word - Cancer...

We have all heard of the 'C' word... Cancer.

It may be slightly ironic that I am once again mentioning Nigella, but when I have read up about her and her earlier life, I found that she had a late husband called John Diamond - who was also a Journalist. They married in 1992 in Venice, she and her late husband had two children together called Cosima and Bruno. Sadly John died of throat Cancer back in 2001...

I read numerous articles about his illness and how him and his family coped with it... Including his two children who at the time when he was diagnosed in 1997 were very young: Cosima being three and Bruno only being one (too young to understand). I found it upsetting to think that being diagnosed with a serious illness threatening to kill him, would affect his new family and all that he has worked for in his life. I watched a few videos which included her husband, her and their two children cooking, it brought a tear to my eye looking how happy they were, and how positive John was being with his children and making the most of his life.

I was intrigued to find out more about John's illness and how he coped, during researching I found a book John had wrote and published called 'Because Cowards Get Cancer Too', this book looks interesting, I want to buy it so I can understand more about how Cancer affects people and their day to day lives. I couldn't imagine being diagnosed with such a life threatening illness, especially having a loving family around me forming into a great life.

John Diamond's book that I want to purchase

Yes, Cancer is a common illness, but I don't think people fully understand - even I don't, about the effects of Cancer unless they have lived with someone suffering, but even then they can't feel their pain, their emotions, their fears. It must be such a struggle to live and fight each day as it comes, I understood this from an extract from John's book stating him asking Nigella to help him commit suicide as he couldn't take it anymore, the pain was too much and that he felt he knew the fatal outcome. Nigella refused to help him as she wanted him around for the children as long as possible, and she wanted him close to her, which is really sad to think that Cancer can cause such desperation to want to die, it must be so heartbreaking to fall like that and to see someone in that state of mind. Before he died, one of his last messages was "How proud I am of you and what you have become. The great thing about us is that we have made us who we are." this is so sad to think he had to leave his wife and children, that he won't see grow up. His last message showed that he was so proud of his wife and that how they met through their jobs, it also shows they made each other how they wanted to be, and that they achieved life together, and lived it exactly how they wanted to live it - happily and beautifully.

John, Nigella, Bruno and Cosima

I love a song at the moment called 'Cancer' by My Chemical Romance, it is such a lovely, emotional song, acting from the perspective of someone with Cancer, the lyrics are so understandable. It shows someone understanding that they may die "Gather all my things, and bury me in all my favourite colours", this line shows someone preparing to go, which is so sad as Cancer is damaging.



I couldn't imagine living with the pain and struggle of someone with Cancer or having Cancer myself. RIP to John Diamond and  all those poor people who have died of the horrible illness, and if you are one of those who have been diagnosed, stay strong and I am praying for you...

Sun!

The sun is out, spring is nearly here...

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining through the curtains - which was an unusual sight, as we are in England, and the normal forecast is rain, rain and more rain. No coat or umbrella today which made a change!

Seeing the sun always puts me in a good, positive mood... It's a shame we were indoors for lessons most of the day, but at break and lunch those rays of suns brightened my mood. It's great to see the sun out after the horrible autumn and winter we have previously had - a long one it has been.

However seeing the sun reminds me of the final GCSE exams which are upcoming, I had flashbacks of sitting in the examination hall taking the modular exams and also the mocks with the sun shining on my back... and feeling as though I wanted to be outside rather than stuck in a coop of room surrounded by thinking bodies. It hit home that this is when real work starts, real revision, real thinking, hopefully the weather continues to be nice to keep me in the positive frame of mind.

Spring and summer are just around the corner, as is exams. I hope the seasons will be good, as I do wish my exam results will be too...

Live for now, or the future?

Actions we take now count for our future...

We all go through phases in which we 'can't be bothered', when we are just too lazy to function, and yes, at that moment in our lives it's convenient for us, it suits us... But then, being lazy at that time or even messing around affects us in the long run. An example of this is sitting in class: most of us talk to our friends and let's be honest, not listen to what the teacher is saying... By missing that information being taught, does this damage our futures?

So really should we live for now or live for the future? I find it a hard question to answer, as if we aren't in the 'mood' to do work or to concentrate, how can we put our full potential and involvement in a subject when we just aren't interested?

In school I don't always listen -  I am sometimes too easily distracted, and I regret this looking back to Year 9 as perhaps if I concentrated a bit more then, I would be doing better than I am now - even though I am doing reasonably well. I sometimes look back into last week at those lessons when I got distracted and didn't concentrate and I think why was I so stupid? Or in an exam I get flashbacks of my ignorance in class, not listening and then because of this not knowing the simple answer to a question, of which I should have known.

Should we live how we want to live now? We may think it is right and convenient at the time, but in the long run it may affect us - not listening may leave us unintelligent, and being the 'class clown' in schooling years as some may say, might leave us being the actual clowns... Next time I sit in class, I am going to think "I may not be 'bothered' now, but in the future I will be" - we will all look back into the past when we are older, and think 'why?' and regretting the constant natter and lack of concentration. Live for the future, as well as for now.

Do people really understand?

Most of us in some point in our lives confide in others...

In parts of our lives we all go through a some what upsetting, 'bad' stage, in which we may chose to bottle up or share with others - confide in them for advice or comforting. I have been through the stage - as have most people, with this issue I have entrusted upon others for advice and support.

At that moment in time, where you are the main subject and in a way 'center of attention' it makes you feel like you are being listened to. Having that person sitting in front of you, comforting you and most of all having the heart to listen means more than anything. When people see you upset and not your ordinary character, they are obliged to help you as much as they can.

In that moment when you are explaining your pain, the person attentively listens, but you may feel you need to bottle up somethings from them as you are scared their view of you may change. We never fully explain a story behind something, because if we did, we wouldn't have our own personal thoughts, we are all entitled to bottle things up. We may also keep things to ourselves as we may feel that there is nothing that can be done: it's personal and there is no advice suitable. We all have our personal perceptions of ourselves and of others - no matter how hard they try, they can never change our perceptions. We think how we think, so sometimes by telling others they can't fully understand and may doubt why your upset, as them, themselves can't see your pain.

We all deal with our emotions in different ways, but what we must remember is there is always someone out there willing to help, and you yourself are entitled to keep things to yourself if they are hard to say...

Japan...

Such devastation that happened so suddenly...

The first I heard of the bereaved earthquake in the epicentre of Japan causing a horrendous tsunami was in school, I overheard a conversation about how Japan is now a devastating apocalypse due to such disfortune of an earthquake, which had no sense of warning or inclination.

As soon as I got home I searched on the Internet about the earthquake and my eyes were shocked to see such an unbelievable, surreal scenery of what seemed to be a waste land... But was in fact, once a place with inhabitants that lived their lifes in their own home, own safety as we do. So suddenly their lifes fell apart once this natural disaster struck: splitting families, damaging crops, ripping homes and the tsunami tossing cars and boats as if they were toys - the sight was upsetting.

The next day we purchased the local newspaper to find on the front such distressing images of what Japan has become, a land without life and most of all any evidence of living. What I saw was no more than broken solitude which once was populated with housing and people.

The devastation caused by a natural disaster...

I couldn't imagine the feelings and emotions people felt as the ground shook beneath them, as their houses fell or were swept away by the tidal movement of the tsunami. I couldn't imagine the fear in their eyes as they witnessed a disaster that will live with them - continous flashbacks, and witnessing people around them dying and suffering from aftershocks and the pain of loss.

Reading and seeing the visual damage of the disaster made me realise how lucky we are, how we are in a safe place, and that we always complain about the environment and those people always concerned about 'health and safety' when we are a hundred times better off than those poor, disfortunate people in countries such as Japan who have the constant risk and anxiety of when they will next be affected by natural disasters. I wish I could help those poor innocent people in Japan, I send my prayers and hope they will be okay...

An edit of your life.

Most of us use Facebook the social networking site...

We use social networking sites: maybe to keep with the trend, stay in contact with family or friends who perhaps live far away, but we also, more commonly use Facebook to talk to friends which are in actual fact on the other side of the phone in seconds, or maybe just around the corner. Facebook - or social networking sites in general, are in a way quite controversial in the way in which, just about any one around the world can find you with a click of a button, and some may argue people becoming obsessed and broadcasting their personal lives with excessive detail.

I am not here to discuss the controversial 'debates' over Facebook, but I am in fact writing to discuss how it edits your life and how you are viewed. On Facebook we can choose, accept, decline, ignore, decide later our friends, we can add, delete, un-tag photos in which we may or may not want, we can post, comment and give opinions about anything. In reality we can't just chose to ignore friends there are many problems and issues like the constant arguments and misunderstandings, we can't always rip up the photographs as they have a sentimental, reminding factor about them, and in this modern world we can't always have our freedom of speech and voicing our own opinions, as there is always someone who disagrees and then causes a controversy.

Most of us do use Facebook as a way of contact, and perhaps viewing ourself in a different light: over the internet we can't verbally hear the person, and photographs do not reflect a person fully. I suppose looking at people on Facebook goes with the phrase 'don't judge a book by its cover' as we may come along someone on Facebook and prejudge them without knowing them - therefore ignoring them due to their looks etc...

A start?

As I want to be a Journalist I have researched...

Since the middle of Year 10 I realised my passion for English and my passion for writing. This inspired me to want to be a Journalist. I love writing as I find it a way to express myself creatively...

During researching Journalism I found that some companies like to see portfolios of previous works, so I asked for an interview with the writer of our school newspaper. This interview was asking permission to write an article in which I could use for my future portfolio - I was given permission; I am hopefully going to write an article about an upcoming event, which happens to be the Easter concert. I am really excited about doing this article, as the instructions I was given in order to write and prepare were just like my expectations of Journalism: interviewing, attending rehearsals and maybe the event itself, taking photographs and writing up an article based on my opinion of the event and also quotations from participants and my own photography. I am quite scared about writing the article as it will be my first formal article - and hopefully one of very many in the future if I succeed in being a Journalist!

I hope the article goes well, the Easter concert is in April, so the article will be written soon... I shall update Blogger on how I get on and if I am enjoying/have enjoyed the Journalism type experience.

Inspiration...

To some, this may seem ironic that I am inspired by Nigella Lawson, as apparently I am 'obsessed' but really, I'm not. The reason I like Nigella is that she has succeeded in being a Journalist and she has had strength throughout her life...



Nigella during her early career in Journalism.

First of all I am inspired by Nigella as she has been academically successful, she went to Oxford University earning a MA in Medieval English and Modern languages. Due to her academic ability she become a Journalist - which I want to aspire to be. She was very successful. She firstly started out by being a publisher, by the time she was 23 she commenced her career in Journalism being invited to write for 'The Spectator' writing book reviews, and becoming a restaurant critic there in 1985. She then became the Deputy Literary editor for 'The Sunday Times' by the time she was 26. Continuing as a successful journalist she wrote for 'The Daily Telegraph', 'The Evening Standard', 'The Observer' and even penned a food column for 'Vogue' and a makeup column for 'The Times Magazine'. Years down the line she eventually ended her Journalism career, her quotation for this was "I was on the wrong ladder. I didn’t want to be an executive, being paid to worry rather than think", in an interview I watched, she knew she wanted a career change, as she thought that she had gone to the height in her career and she knew she wanted to divert. This article I read inpsires me on how to become a Journalist (an interviewer asked Nigella questions): http://lornaheap.tumblr.com/post/909348639/nigella-lawson-tells-me-about-her-life-as-a-journalist

                                                       



John, Nigella, Bruno and Cosima.

 I am also inspired by Nigella as she has been through a lot in her life: losing her mother when she was only 26 years old, losing her sister and her first husband John Diamond - father to their two children Cosima and Bruno. She lost these three important family members in her life due to Cancer. I have witnessed people dying of Cancer, and I have lost a family member whom I was not very close to as she was my second Auntie, but I was really touched and upset when she passed away, I could never imagine losing my own mother, sister or husband - it would be unexplainable, unimaginable. I once read an article on John's illness, as he wrote articles on his Cancer and how it affected him.
His first thought was not about dying, he thought of the effect on Nigella, whose mother and sister had died of cancer. He also thought of his two children "fancy not seeing how that plot turns out" he said. And, looking at his daughter, he said: "There was poignancy sitting there on a plate in a nightdress". He dismissed the notion that people were stronger after a disease like cancer, feeling that he did not need cancer to remind him what he thought of Nigella and his children. He explained Nigella to be his 'living saint in his living hell'. In a recent article I read, written by John Diamond himself it explained a moment in his illness: A couple of nights ago, I was sitting with Nigella in bed. "What are you smiling at?" Nigella said. I didn't realise that I was, but what I was thinking about was Nigella and the children. I was holding a soft toy which Bruno had brought into the bed when Cosima had fetched him in that morning. "It's such a strange time, isn't it?" I said. "How so strange?" Nigella said. "Oh you know. Strange in that I've never felt more love for you than I have in the past year, that I've never appreciated you as much, nor the children. In a way I feel guilty that it should have taken this to do it, I suppose. But it is strange, isn't it?" this shows how cancer affected him and that he finally realised the reality and how he had a possibility of losing the fight against cancer, and that he loved his family dearly.

Nigella and John marrying in Venice, 1992.


She met her first husband John Diamond in 1986 whilst writing for 'The Sunday Times' - they were both journalists. They both married in Venice in the year 1992 and years later they had children: A daughter Cosima in 1993/1994 and a son Bruno in 1996. Sadly, John was diagnosed with throat cancer and under goed treatment after treatment for some source of hope but after years of suffering and seeing his children grow up not fully understanding, he died in 2001 aged only 47. His last words to her were "how proud I am of you and what you have become, the great thing about us is that we have made us who we are" this shows how they both experienced Journalism, and met in something they loved doing and by meeting each other they improved and became as one. I admire Nigella's strength to raise their children Cosima and Bruno who always talked about their father and to be strong after her losses.



Nigella.

I also admire that Nigella is not afraid of body image and that she is no victim to fashion, and says that her "laziness is greater than her vanity" and to me any normal person would love to have this trait, as let's face it we should all be natural and proud of who we are. Not endorsed by skinniness and makeup, but be comfortable in our own skin. Nigella is a self conscious person, maybe caused by comments made against her about her weight. Nigella has a passion for food as she grew up witnessing her mother's eating disorder before she died. Nigella told an interviewer that her mother could only enjoy food when she was dying - this was told to Nigella by her mother. Nigella thought that that wasn't the way to live: "I think maybe when you live with someone who is really ill for a long time, it somehow gives you a more greedy appetite for life". Nigella is well known for her curves and apparently she has a figure which most women want and aspire to be like. To me Nigella shows what a realistic woman should be: curvy and comfortable.

I am inspired by Nigella in many ways, and most of which I have explained. A memory and moment I will never forget was meeting my Idol Nigella Lawson for the first time in Piccadilly, London in Waterstone's on Thursday 9th December 2010, 7:30pm . The event was a private function with limited spaces, and roughly 50 people were there. There was an hours interview with Nigella where an interviewer asked her questions about Christmas and then her book signing commenced for her latest recipe book 'Kitchen: Recipes from the heart of the home'. She was so honest in the interview, and so friendly to speak to in the book signing; she was quite shocked that someone of my age was interested in her... She was very appreciative of the Christmas card I kindly made her and she told me I was creative. I will never forget meeting Nigella,  I am so grateful.

Nigella during the hour interview. This interview was amazing, she was quite humorous and very honest. Every interview I have watched of hers has been down-to-earth and being at a live interview proved that.



Nigella signing my book. I love the recipe book 'Kitchen: Recipes from the heart of the home' it has so many different ranges of cooking styles, from culture to timings. There are also different courses for everyone.



A photo with Nigella Lawson!



Nigella smiling at the card I made her - I love this photo, as it shows how appreciative she was of the card I made her, it shows her expression at the time I gave her it, it really made me smile how grateful she was!

 An amazing memory, an amazing experience meeting a person who I aspire to be like and be as successful as: Nigella Lawson.