Note to self

This note I need to take notice of…

Melissa, through out your education you have found things difficult: whether general challenges, work and even growing up. You have found growing up difficult, as you’re slowly realising that the World is a lot bigger than what you initially thought, therefore you are becoming more aware, more worried, more uncertain about your future. You’re finding challenges hard, as these are ones which you have never come across before, these challenges testing your ability and also preparing you for other things.
You need to understand that as you grow up, things become harder, intense and they seem impossible at the time, but this hard work pays of as you realised in your GCSE results. You found middle school hard with SATs tests and little quizzes in class, you sat there worrying about these tests determining your tutor classes – these little tests which looking back were never as scary as what you are now facing. You found GCSEs hard, near impossible,  but you did it, so what is stopping you from overcoming Alevel? You’re worrying too much, you’re overthinking, but I know you can’t stop yourself from doing so, as it’s what you must do in order to make these challenges clear in your own mind: how you’ll achieve the grades you want at the end of the two years. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to keep trying, don’t give up, if you gave up in previous education you wouldn’t be where you are today… And in future I know you’ll think the same “if I gave up Alevel I wouldn’t be in this University/career” you’ve got to think ahead – think positively, it’s hard to at the moment, but be patient. You’ll never give up Alevel, you know how important it is. What you chose to study at the time was what felt right, what is best for you… I know you’re finding these subjects hard, but they’ll get easier, not easier in a sense of work load, but you’ll feel more comfortable. You just need confidence, belief in yourself that you can do it, that at the end it will all be worth it, all the hard work will equate to success. I know you want to achieve greatly, who doesn’t? I know you’re stressed at the moment, as are many others, but work for yourself, for your future.
From me.

I need to follow this I know I must, it’s what is best, it’s just so difficult.

Unconfidence.

At this moment of time I was just about to redo my English Literature homework...

This English Literature homework which was to write an analysis on an opening of a novel in 500 words (due to it being such a strict word count, I am finding it near enough impossible, but it is essential I stick to this). I wrote this analysis and I got Miss to check through, as I was near 500 words and I was no where near finishing it; Miss marked my analysis, and in her own words "crossed out some waffle" which basically means sections which were irrelevant (but to me seemed good at the time), she then commented at the end saying "make sure you use concise expression and also, accurate grammar and punctuation", I actually feel quite stupid to know that to her I haven't used "accurate grammar and punctuation", surely this is basic English knowledge? Just because I didn't use a full stop before the word "this". I know that her comments are 'constructive criticism', however I thought my analysis was ok, but after recieving comments back from it I feel I can't do it - which sounds really dramatic, but it has honestly knocked my confidence. I have read my friend's analysis and it is brilliant, I just feel I will never be up to a good standard like I was in GCSE, I feel like I have literally forgotten to write properly - simply.
    I am just finding Alevel so hard and daunting... I want to do so well, it is essential I do so, it's the decider of my future - saying I am worried is an understatement, I am petrified. I am finding my Alevels so hard, all the terminology, context etc. I thought it would take only days to settle in, but I feel days will turn into months. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself, I never really have when it came to school work, I am confused on what to do to build my confidence...

Beauty

This post – the main part, isn’t going to be filled with clichés, I know you are possibly thinking so as the word ‘beauty’ has so many attached to it…

In Philosophy we were asked the question “What is beauty?”, this question needn’t to have been answered, as there is no question of what beauty is, beauty is a concept rather than an a opinion. We all know what is meant by beauty as we all have different ideas to what is perceived as beautiful, we all have knowledge to know on a scale which is higher or lower than another. However no one truly understands beauty. There is no such thing as true beauty, as this is defined as something unchanging, eternal and perfect, nothing in this world is defined in that way, therefore true beauty is outside this world – it can’t be fully understood or recognisable - it’s fantasy. "Beauty" is not defined as appearance, but in other ways such as music, films, poetry or literature... I find songs beautiful (two of these shown in Philosophy today: "Nearer my God to thee" by André Rieu and "God only knows" by The Beach Boys), I find films beautiful such as "Jane Eyre" and the wonderful classic "Titanic", I find poetry beautiful such as "Do not stand at my grave and weep" by Mary E. Fyre, "Spring in War time" by Edith Nesbit and "I Carry Your Heart" by E. E. Cummings. I find literature beautiful such as "The Lifted Veil" by George Eliot.

To me (even though these are clichés, they to me, are very true): nothing is perfect, everything is beautiful in it’s own way, beauty is indefinable, what might be less beautiful to me, may be more pleasing to the eye to you… Beauty is everywhere, in everything we do, it's easy to come across, however difficult to appreciate.

Being a teenager

We discussed today in Literature about being a teenager, the challenges in society, how we are seen from others perspectives: whether positively or negatively.

I am sixteen years of age, so I’d say I was in the middle of my ‘teenage' years. Being a teenager hasn’t changed me as a person apart from the obvious, growing up faster and the realisation of right and wrong in more depth and justification. Most of all realising who I really am, and that thinking that the future was a long way a way, but in actual fact it was all an illusion… I was too blind to see that the future was just around the corner. Everything I done when I was younger was for a specific, important reason, that reason was preparation, preparation to introduce me into a world which seemed so small at the time.

I am beginning to understand the bigger picture in the world, not just what was in front of me to analyse, but I now understand what is going on around me and that things do matter… In a way I wish I was younger so I didn’t have the constant worry at the back of my mind of what I will do after my Alevels… Will I excel in what I want to be? Will I go to University to further study? These questions I never thought I’d ask myself, I thought these questions were optional, but now I realise that in fact it’s reality, I am in reality, and no longer in a child’s innocent world when running around and having a care free mind was a novelty. I wish I didn’t have to reach these stage in life: decisions approaching, decisions which I know I won’t be good at making due to my indecisive trait.

Apart from education and the understanding of the world, it’s giving others an impression of yourself: physically and mentally. Impressions are important, these are what make you recognisable, memorable and what make you who you are. I ask myself should I have to change my opinions and the way I act just to make myself look ‘acceptable’ in others perspectives? Or should I be myself? I will be myself, besides if people don’t accept or understand you for who you are, then those people aren’t worth keeping.

Being a teenager… I like it, I like the feeling of responsibility, matureness, independence but I loathe the approaching future: the challenges coming up… When will they begin, and I ask myself when will they stop?

The next step up…

From posting recently I have moved to the ‘next step up’… By step up I mean educationally, from GCSEs to Alevels – step to me is an understatement, it feels like a leap!

I posted my GCSE results and I am proud of what I achieved and thought positively about Alevels, as I believed by doing well in GCSEs that Alevels would be slightly harder and more challenging, but I was wrong. I have been in Sixth form for five days so far, some lessons in these days have been introductory, so no hard work just yet, however in others we are starting the work.

     I am terrified by listening to the amount of work each course entails, and by viewing example exam questions and even essay questions, this positivity I once had, has now disappeared to a place which I feel I will never gain this back from. I know feeling negative isn’t the right frame of mind, but at the moment I cannot feel differently. I really want to enjoy these two years in Alevel as it is possibly the last real education I will receive, unless I go to University – which I am hoping to do. I am enjoying my lessons so far, but are finding them quite hard: more independence, more time to myself, more thinking ‘out of the box’ – which I am unsure of how to do and essays and exams quickly approaching.

     I hope, wish and pray that I do well in my first year of Alevel… I would be absolutely over the moon! I just need to feel more positive and have more confidence in myself, which I have been told I lack. I hope everyone is enjoying their time after year 11 with whatever they have chosen to do – good luck to you all!