Yesterday (26th January 2011)

Hello, I was supposed to write this on the date above... But as per normal I have stayed awake past midnight and have now just got the sudden urge to write this blog that I have been meaning to write all night. Sorry this might sound 'depressing' but I believe a blog is to put what you feel down...

The date of 26th January is really special to me as my older brother which I unfortunately never met would have been 17 today... and me being only 15, nearly 16 made me think. When I was younger we visited his grave every year for his birthdays and various other celebrations, but I never really understood the concept of death and losing someone that you actually didn't know and that you had no physical, personal connection to, only by emotions. We stood there: Me, Dad, Mum, Chloe and James around Daniel's grave all close together staring at his picture, with thoughts running through our mind with the coldness of the wind and the loss of him. My Dad said "17 years old" and my Mum said "how quickly it's gone", they couldn't believe how fast life went by, I was surprised myself, I can't quite believe I am nearly 16. My brother and sister returned to the car because of the cold and my Mum just travelled to my Nan and Grandad's grave just opposite. Me and my Dad stood there, I could see the sadness in my Dad's eyes so I reached out and gave him and hug just to reassure him that everything is okay and that Daniel is in a safer, better place. A tear came to my eye as I hugged my Dad, it was like I understood his pain, and I connected with myself and that I really do have a connection with my older brother Daniel who I never met, I wish I could... Maybe one day we shall talk and share things just like I want to now. "I wish there was a telephone in heaven so I could hear your voice" I wish he was here right now, looking out for me, being an older brother. I know he is looking out for me as some days I feel warmth and postivity, I feel his strength. On the way out of the cemetery I looked out the car window up into the sky, on eye level were trees, houses, plants... the normal. When I looked up, there were clouds fading into a blue mist whilst sunlight shone through the pillowed clouds as if Daniel was opening the clouds so the warmth of his heart shone on us, as if to say he is okay and protected.

I always think about Daniel, what he would have been like, whether I would have been different etc. I really wish that I could have met him, but then again could I have faced the pain of losing an older brother? He is now a beautiful angel looking down on our family. Perhaps he is 17 or maybe he stayed as a beautiful 6 month old baby boy... I'll always look up to him.