"Emotion is messy, contradictory... and true" - NL.

Don't know if it is just me, but I am beginning to realise that emotions can change so quickly, feelings and your mood.

Ever since the start of year 11 my emotions/feelings have been all over the place - up and down, up and down. Sometimes it is like I don't know or understand myself anymore. Perhaps it is because I am tired, fed up of exams, waking up early, worrying about grades, worrying about the future and what it has to hold - it is all too much for a 15/16 year old girl. When I was in Middle school, Upper school seemed lifetimes away, I had no care in the world for anything apart from my friends and family because education at that point didn't seem formal and 'important' as much as I tried my best, I didn't think it would count for anything. Sometimes I just sit there, bored, thinking about things - random things, over and over in my mind, dwelling on things, I know I shouldn't but I do. When I do it I cry, no reason, I just do.

Not meaning to mention Nigella Lawson, but when I found out about the book signing, it was a real opportunity for me; I rang my mum asking if I could go, but she said no because it was an awkward day and time (which I understood: Thursday 9th December 2010, 7pm, Waterstones, Piccadilly, London)... I really wanted to go so I literally asked everyone whether they would take me and eventually I asked my Auntie, she said yes I was elated! So since the date of 25th November - around then, I was waiting for the book signing to come... It seemed like forever. It finally came, I was so hyper at school, literally laughing all day long to really think that I was meeting my idol Nigella Lawson the one on Television, the one in all those photos I had looked at! It was unbelievable, still in shock that I met her. When we got inside the venue there were two seats - one for Nigella and the other for the interiewer. We sat down at the back waiting for Nigella to enter... As there were about 4 different double doors I was constantly moving my eyes at each door waiting anxiously, I would say patiently, but that would be lying. She entered, at that moment I would have been described as a 'Chesire cat'. She done the hour interview in which she made some funny comments, but half I was just laughing along not knowing what they were about - literally the youngest at that book signing, me, Sasha and Chloe got the weirdest looks entering almost as if to say 'Oh I didn't know young ladies were interested in cooking shows, never mind Nigella's' but in actual fact we aren't really interested in her cooking it's her, herself... The things she has been through and how strong she is (I'll have to do a blog on this one day...). Afterwards was the book signing bit, I literally launched myself to the front of the queue. I must have been about 10th in line out of roughly 60-70 people - it was a private function so there we limited tickets. I was okay until I was literally steps away from meeting her - talking to her, I walked up. She read the postik note saying 'Melissa' that the staff had to write on everyone's book so Nigella knew the spelling etc, when she said my name she looked up, I was like *shock* - literally starstruck! How sad I am but I am this sort of person: I made her a Christmas card to wish her Merry Christmas to her and her family and a happy life in their new home... She was literally speechless she said something like 'Did you make this?' and I replied 'Yes' and she couldn't stop touching it in shock, she probably thought that people of my age liking Nigella Lawson and being a fan and someone thinking of making her a Christmas card is so nice. I felt really proud that I made her happy - how sad that sounds, but true. She was really grateful, and it really showed me her true colours and that the critism she gets is not even half true. I left the table... Not wanting to leave I had to make the most of the moment and I probably made myself look a complete fool but I said something like 'You are amazing' and she looked up and smiled! On the way back to the train station I couldn't stop talking about the night and I was so happy that it had been done, but sad it was over, the moment/day I had been waiting for. That weekend I must have cried about 6 times, about nothing really, my mum and dad were really concerned but I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I just sat there and cried. My mum said maybe it is because you were so excited about going and it was over so fast - I agree, waiting about 2/3 weeks for an event an amazing event for it to be over in literally a matter of hours... A friend said to me the other day "don't look back and be sad about a day that you miss, be proud and happy that you had done it" and it made me think: you know what that quote is so true. I met Nigella!

I have learnt to think positive and not to dwell on the past... Look forward and be hopeful. Be proud of what you have done, no regrets.