A whole new level

Another week has gone by of Sixth form…

We had an assembly, and we got informed that we were already 25% into our AS level courses. When I heard this, I felt worried, shocked and surprised of how quick my life is slowly unfolding. I feel as though I have been in a bubble these last 7 weeks or so. Those 7 weeks have been an eye opener, if they have went by so fast, the remaining weeks leading up to our exams are going to speed by. Worried is an understatement. I am constantly told “Melissa, you’re always worrying”… I agree, I am always worrying, but it’s what I must do to make it clear in my own mind what I need to aim for. Perhaps worrying may not be the best way to express these feelings, however I know no other way.

My confidence definitely needs boosting…

We all live in one world

We all live in one world of six continents, inside these continents approximately 196 countries, harbouring masses of communities, all folding out into societies of people…



Anyone would expect theoretically the same world to consist of the same values, the same views, the same ideas. This however, despite geographic knowledge isn’t the case. Philosophically the world is divided by a diversity thesis within cultural relativism… Individuals' morals are inherited by history, passing down through generations, and in some cases distorting at times of progression. Each being has their own personality whether expressing a persona to impress or to satisfy their society and even families. The differences within the world are endless: appearance, belief, expression, faith and morals. No two are ever the same.

"I am a part of all that I have met."  ~Alfred Lord Tennyson. What we know is what we are comfortable with, what we choose to know is what we persevere with. We daren’t explore the unknown, otherwise our familiarities will no longer be, but interfered. We have our liberty, but daren’t advance over it. The world is one which is endless, but it has to stop at a point, we may choose to explore but limiting ourselves to where we feel safe.

Note to self

This note I need to take notice of…

Melissa, through out your education you have found things difficult: whether general challenges, work and even growing up. You have found growing up difficult, as you’re slowly realising that the World is a lot bigger than what you initially thought, therefore you are becoming more aware, more worried, more uncertain about your future. You’re finding challenges hard, as these are ones which you have never come across before, these challenges testing your ability and also preparing you for other things.
You need to understand that as you grow up, things become harder, intense and they seem impossible at the time, but this hard work pays of as you realised in your GCSE results. You found middle school hard with SATs tests and little quizzes in class, you sat there worrying about these tests determining your tutor classes – these little tests which looking back were never as scary as what you are now facing. You found GCSEs hard, near impossible,  but you did it, so what is stopping you from overcoming Alevel? You’re worrying too much, you’re overthinking, but I know you can’t stop yourself from doing so, as it’s what you must do in order to make these challenges clear in your own mind: how you’ll achieve the grades you want at the end of the two years. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to keep trying, don’t give up, if you gave up in previous education you wouldn’t be where you are today… And in future I know you’ll think the same “if I gave up Alevel I wouldn’t be in this University/career” you’ve got to think ahead – think positively, it’s hard to at the moment, but be patient. You’ll never give up Alevel, you know how important it is. What you chose to study at the time was what felt right, what is best for you… I know you’re finding these subjects hard, but they’ll get easier, not easier in a sense of work load, but you’ll feel more comfortable. You just need confidence, belief in yourself that you can do it, that at the end it will all be worth it, all the hard work will equate to success. I know you want to achieve greatly, who doesn’t? I know you’re stressed at the moment, as are many others, but work for yourself, for your future.
From me.

I need to follow this I know I must, it’s what is best, it’s just so difficult.

Unconfidence.

At this moment of time I was just about to redo my English Literature homework...

This English Literature homework which was to write an analysis on an opening of a novel in 500 words (due to it being such a strict word count, I am finding it near enough impossible, but it is essential I stick to this). I wrote this analysis and I got Miss to check through, as I was near 500 words and I was no where near finishing it; Miss marked my analysis, and in her own words "crossed out some waffle" which basically means sections which were irrelevant (but to me seemed good at the time), she then commented at the end saying "make sure you use concise expression and also, accurate grammar and punctuation", I actually feel quite stupid to know that to her I haven't used "accurate grammar and punctuation", surely this is basic English knowledge? Just because I didn't use a full stop before the word "this". I know that her comments are 'constructive criticism', however I thought my analysis was ok, but after recieving comments back from it I feel I can't do it - which sounds really dramatic, but it has honestly knocked my confidence. I have read my friend's analysis and it is brilliant, I just feel I will never be up to a good standard like I was in GCSE, I feel like I have literally forgotten to write properly - simply.
    I am just finding Alevel so hard and daunting... I want to do so well, it is essential I do so, it's the decider of my future - saying I am worried is an understatement, I am petrified. I am finding my Alevels so hard, all the terminology, context etc. I thought it would take only days to settle in, but I feel days will turn into months. I have no confidence whatsoever in myself, I never really have when it came to school work, I am confused on what to do to build my confidence...

Beauty

This post – the main part, isn’t going to be filled with clichés, I know you are possibly thinking so as the word ‘beauty’ has so many attached to it…

In Philosophy we were asked the question “What is beauty?”, this question needn’t to have been answered, as there is no question of what beauty is, beauty is a concept rather than an a opinion. We all know what is meant by beauty as we all have different ideas to what is perceived as beautiful, we all have knowledge to know on a scale which is higher or lower than another. However no one truly understands beauty. There is no such thing as true beauty, as this is defined as something unchanging, eternal and perfect, nothing in this world is defined in that way, therefore true beauty is outside this world – it can’t be fully understood or recognisable - it’s fantasy. "Beauty" is not defined as appearance, but in other ways such as music, films, poetry or literature... I find songs beautiful (two of these shown in Philosophy today: "Nearer my God to thee" by André Rieu and "God only knows" by The Beach Boys), I find films beautiful such as "Jane Eyre" and the wonderful classic "Titanic", I find poetry beautiful such as "Do not stand at my grave and weep" by Mary E. Fyre, "Spring in War time" by Edith Nesbit and "I Carry Your Heart" by E. E. Cummings. I find literature beautiful such as "The Lifted Veil" by George Eliot.

To me (even though these are clichés, they to me, are very true): nothing is perfect, everything is beautiful in it’s own way, beauty is indefinable, what might be less beautiful to me, may be more pleasing to the eye to you… Beauty is everywhere, in everything we do, it's easy to come across, however difficult to appreciate.

Being a teenager

We discussed today in Literature about being a teenager, the challenges in society, how we are seen from others perspectives: whether positively or negatively.

I am sixteen years of age, so I’d say I was in the middle of my ‘teenage' years. Being a teenager hasn’t changed me as a person apart from the obvious, growing up faster and the realisation of right and wrong in more depth and justification. Most of all realising who I really am, and that thinking that the future was a long way a way, but in actual fact it was all an illusion… I was too blind to see that the future was just around the corner. Everything I done when I was younger was for a specific, important reason, that reason was preparation, preparation to introduce me into a world which seemed so small at the time.

I am beginning to understand the bigger picture in the world, not just what was in front of me to analyse, but I now understand what is going on around me and that things do matter… In a way I wish I was younger so I didn’t have the constant worry at the back of my mind of what I will do after my Alevels… Will I excel in what I want to be? Will I go to University to further study? These questions I never thought I’d ask myself, I thought these questions were optional, but now I realise that in fact it’s reality, I am in reality, and no longer in a child’s innocent world when running around and having a care free mind was a novelty. I wish I didn’t have to reach these stage in life: decisions approaching, decisions which I know I won’t be good at making due to my indecisive trait.

Apart from education and the understanding of the world, it’s giving others an impression of yourself: physically and mentally. Impressions are important, these are what make you recognisable, memorable and what make you who you are. I ask myself should I have to change my opinions and the way I act just to make myself look ‘acceptable’ in others perspectives? Or should I be myself? I will be myself, besides if people don’t accept or understand you for who you are, then those people aren’t worth keeping.

Being a teenager… I like it, I like the feeling of responsibility, matureness, independence but I loathe the approaching future: the challenges coming up… When will they begin, and I ask myself when will they stop?

The next step up…

From posting recently I have moved to the ‘next step up’… By step up I mean educationally, from GCSEs to Alevels – step to me is an understatement, it feels like a leap!

I posted my GCSE results and I am proud of what I achieved and thought positively about Alevels, as I believed by doing well in GCSEs that Alevels would be slightly harder and more challenging, but I was wrong. I have been in Sixth form for five days so far, some lessons in these days have been introductory, so no hard work just yet, however in others we are starting the work.

     I am terrified by listening to the amount of work each course entails, and by viewing example exam questions and even essay questions, this positivity I once had, has now disappeared to a place which I feel I will never gain this back from. I know feeling negative isn’t the right frame of mind, but at the moment I cannot feel differently. I really want to enjoy these two years in Alevel as it is possibly the last real education I will receive, unless I go to University – which I am hoping to do. I am enjoying my lessons so far, but are finding them quite hard: more independence, more time to myself, more thinking ‘out of the box’ – which I am unsure of how to do and essays and exams quickly approaching.

     I hope, wish and pray that I do well in my first year of Alevel… I would be absolutely over the moon! I just need to feel more positive and have more confidence in myself, which I have been told I lack. I hope everyone is enjoying their time after year 11 with whatever they have chosen to do – good luck to you all!

Hi, and I'm back with news...

Firstly, I have surprised myself by not being on Blogger for quite a while, perhaps this is something to do with the exam period that thankfully has passed, or the fact that I now have a written journal and cannot find the time to post them electronically...

My news... As I was on holiday whilst everyone received their results I had to wait for the postman to arrive a day later, finally a brown envelope dropped through the letterbox and truthfully, I have never ran so fast, either has my heart beated so fast - nervosity is an understatement. Opening the brown envelope to reveal my overall grades...

Mathematics: B
Which I never thought I would reach, considering I am not a mathematical person, nor am I interested in the subject due to the amount of confusion it entails.

Art & Design: A
I was really pleased with this result, I enjoyed art at times, despite the work load. I got an A* in the exam and A in the course work, I am really proud of what I achieved considering I didn't really like my course work folder, but I suppose they did if I received that grade.

D & T: A
I was shocked by this result... I found the technology exam quite confusing due to the amount of theory that we had to revise and remember: materials, properties, methods of making etc.

Religious Studies: A
I was pleased with an A, but my target was an A* as in mocks I got A*s, but I am very grateful to get an A!

Spanish: B
I am really pleased with my B in Spanish, as the two years doing a modern foreign language was really hard, especially remembering vocabulary and grammar. I got an A in my written course work and a B in speaking, so I am really pleased!

English Language: A
I am so pleased with getting an A, as I really enjoyed English.

English Literature: A*
I was absolutely elated with achieving an A* in English Literature - especially because I am doing it in A-level. I couldn't stop smiling when I found out I got my highest grade in my favourite subject!

Science: A
Considering I don't particulary enjoy Science, I was really pleased that I got an A!

Business Studies: B
I am pleased with a B in Business Studies as on the first exam about a year and a half ago I only got a C, and on the controlled assessment I got a high A, being three marks of an A* (as they raised the mark boundaries), so to get a B overall I am really proud, it is a hard subject.

ICT: Distinction (Equivalent to two As?)
I am really pleased I got a distinction in ICT as I finished all my course work last minute, and didn't think I would reach merit, never mind distinction level! I despised ICT due to all the 'proof' which included continous screen shotting, written proof... It was painful!

I am really pleased with all my results, and I definitely surpassed my expectations of what my overall grades would be - I surprised myself. I am really grateful towards all my teachers, because without them, I would have never reached my grades - so thank you!

I hope I do just as well in A-level or even better... But we shall see when I open the brown envelope to reveal my final results in roughly two years time... I know those two years will go by quick, it is scary to think so... I know I will try my absolute best and aim high!

City begs.

Recently I was in London, and it was evident to see  the civilisation of persistent cultures, whether tourists or people who reside in the city. The on-going fascination of populated cities attract people of high interests and to some extent, patience. London has many other attractions, whether, historically or in terms of design, these aspects of such place creates iconic features alluring those interested in rich, overwhelming and tiring experiences.

The price tag and high expense to some is that of a ‘one off experience’, however to inhabitants it is a lifestyle which has been adapted, this being, disposing of their income in a luxurious or frugal manner.

Whilst in London it was evident to see the divide in social class: from rich to poor, from literate to illiterate, to those with further education to those with poor education. This segregation is so close, that those in a high hierarchy placement can be touched and approached by bruised beggars. It is almost a tease to be wearing top hats with pleasure, as they gallivant into their Rolls-Royce's driven by a chauffeur, whilst weeping hands extend in hope for sympathy from the rich pestilence as they see it.

I witnessed the prominence of the street liars, as they reach for a hand to hold, snatching money to their favour. I find it hard to understand why these beggars intoxicate their bodies with alcohol: is it to forget their constant pain of discomfort? Or, is it to make themselves feel good? It continues to puzzle me.

No one quite knows the emotion and reason behind a penniless person, but there must be a ruthless reason or perhaps a fault of their own. Their subdued manner is one that makes givers feel sorry for them, unless the beggar  is one of desperation, wailing and sobbing, whilst their crocodile tears blend with the perpetual rain showering their groans into the sewage.

In my own opinion, I believe that there shouldn’t be any level of guilt whilst walking down the street seeing homeless individuals and in some cases, homeless families - it's their life. In the same way, individuals walking down the street with a proud manner also have their own lives. The segregation may be unjust due to closeness, but it is modern society. No one is going to be of the same social class, so why acknowledge  the people diametric to ourselves?

The fashion world...

I’ve heard the cliché that beauty equates to success. Beauty as it seems, in this modern day is to be size zero, to be a skeletal figure with the lack flesh, a visage without character. The complexion to us of malnutrition, starvation and hunger, but in the Medias’ opinion, this face is one of beauty, one of ‘fashion’. Skinniness to the media, is not the average size 12, it is size zero: zero food, zero nutrition, but somehow to them it’s 100 percent beautiful.

This over shown airbrushed image of bones is surreal, unjust, and ugly. Females and even males form a constant burden of their figure, they feel they are unacceptable, overweight and not normal, but the way they view themselves in the mirror is constantly referred back to the ‘fashionable look’ - the size zero. People feel they need to fit the ideal image otherwise they aren’t accepted, no wonder so many are insecure. Naive young girls witness the media endorsing ‘skinniness’ to be healthy, to be right and most of all to be ‘beautiful’, nothing other than skinny can be accepted in their fashionable laws. To me, fashion by the media is shown to be that of perpetually dieting until ridiculously underweight, until skin and bone, until size zero.

There have been various complaints about the idealised figure in the fashion world (causing upset and insecurity to those with or without a sensitive disposition); this figure is overly shown: on the front of magazines, on television, on the internet and even as far as mannequins in shop windows. Due to this, ‘plus size’ models have been introduced, the name even sounds trite... Models are now labelled according to size, when will the fashion world wake up and see reality?

Models are selected individuals to flaunt clothing on the catwalk, this means setting an example to those who love fashion, giving the message “this clothing looks fashionable on my body”, but in reality, no one is absurdly skinny. They are almost modelling curtains: they are shapeless, loose-fitting and overwhelming for their petite bony frames. Personally, and I am sure plenty of others loathe to see surreal human bodies model clothes which we in reality, have no chance of wearing, as the possibility is, those clothes only fit the modelling population.

I couldn’t imagine the emotions of a model – a size zero model. Would this model feel as though they still aren’t ‘ideal’ and that they are overweight, or will some wake up and realise what they are doing to their bodies? Looking at their bodies must be reminiscent of a skeleton, a lifeless, frail frame with no inclination to move. But what differentiates a skeleton from a model, is a model has a life, it has to move, it has to live with the starvation, the hunger, the pain of not touching any nourishing foods – they feel the effects, and this, they have to carry on, just to be in the fashion world: to fit in, to be beautiful and to be accepted.

The mirror in the fashion world must be that of a shattered one, just as they shatter lives of aspiring and existent models: forcing them to be in their eyes, beautiful and perfect, forcing them to fit in. The path of success to these shallow employers of fashion is that of size zero, another skeleton with a walk of fragility whilst on the catwalk as if they’re about to snap.