Article on Surrey Scholar!

Haven't blogged for so long due to Sixth Form and exams etc! I am at the University of Surrey now, and since joining I have become a writer for Surrey Scholar... and my first article has been published, so please check it out!

http://www.surreyscholar.co.uk/art-literature/shakespeare-old-hat

Thank you!

'Derek' on life

Recently, I have been watching a series called 'Derek' which is a bittersweet comedy drama about an innocent man who works in a retirement home. Ricky Gervais, who writes and directs the series, also stars as the main character Derek.

Initially, it was intended that it would be one series, however, Gervais is going to make a second series due to how well it has been received. However, is this down to the comical aspect of the programme? Or the meaningful, caring nature of Derek himself who always seems to look on the brighter side of life?

The series has been comical due to the characters Gervais has designed and the bluntness and dry humour which is communicated. The final episode of 'Derek' found Ricky Gervais unashamedly eschewing laughs for tears and introspection, as the residents of Broad Hill gathered to farewell one of their own: Lizzie.

Episode six - the last episode, for me achieved its aim of making everyone explore the meaning of their own lives.

Played by Karl Pilkington, Dougie's statement reflects this as he states: "You've only got to watch these documentaries on the telly. That's why they put those things on the telly, to make people like me feel good about myself. It works.”

As the series progressed, the personalities of the characters developed and became known to me. Ricky Gervais for example conveys Derek as a man who on the outside seems vulnerable and incapable, however, then he expresses emotions and truth... Gervais cleverly modelled Derek as weak, so that when kindness comes along it "trumps" the audience's initial perception of Derek.

However, the last episode revealed something quite different. For me, it revealed the truth behind people. The truth that often people do have a 'front'; they put on a brave face to hide their true emotions and personal difficulties. They do this, because they know no other way to express themselves. 

Kev, as he is referred to, is played by David Earl. He is a character who hasn't been successful in life. He therefore resorts to 'hanging around' whilst drinking beer after beer and making excruciating verbal comments, about sex. However, he has charisma, due to his wittiness. In the last episode, he takes the opportunity to reveal his true feelings about his life, he states: "When I look back at my life it's been appalling. I've got my limbs which is good, but in my mind it's been a war since day one. It feels like no one would want to be me - that's what it feels like." Kev uses confidence to hide his insecurities, which shows that some people in life who come across as confident, may be internally damaged and broken.

Similarly, Hannah who is played by Kerry Godliman conveys a strong, career-orientated women who is content with her life, as she projects happiness to all those she helps in Broad Hill Care Home. However, when she reflects on her life, like Kev, she reveals something personal. She states that life is "relative": she's had a better life than most people, but still some things for her haven't worked out. She states that despite her happiness, she is "sick of worrying", especially about money. She has made me reflect on my own life in that she says there's no point in regretting anything as she states: "I can change things, can't I? It's up to me." This is essentially life... we shouldn't regret things we do as we had that choice at the time.

The last episode of 'Derek' made me cry in that it showed a lifetime of love, and how love should be. In episode six, Lizzie played by Kay Noone passed away, leaving behind her caring, dedicated husband Gerald played by Robert Vahey. Hannah informs the viewers that Lizzie's health was deteriorating due to her Alzheimer's, however, her husband never misses a day visiting her. Gerald then takes her hand and asks her how she is with a smile on his face.

Gerald then reflects back on their life, telling the audience that he met Lizzie in the shoe shop she worked in which isn't there anymore. The absence of the shoe shop for me, reflects how time has progressed and how the foundations of their love, though removed, have continued to flourish. He stated that as soon as he saw her, "That was it, she got in my heart... She was the prettiest little thing I had ever seen... We got married a year later". He said that due to her health, she doesn't always know him. However he still continues to look forward to seeing her as she's, "still the same person". Despite Gerald's melancholy face due to his realisation that life isn't quite the same, he states that everyday he introduces himself and they get to know each other all over again. Gerald says he's lucky as, "who else gets to fall in love 365 days a year?". Gerald encapsulates the theme of time progressing by stating that:

"People see doddering old people caught in a time warp waiting to die, but I see a beautiful young girl who wants to spend the rest of her life with me..." (referring to Lizzie)

He then ends his reflection with: "I win". This brought a tear to my eye, as this short simple statement encompasses his view of their love... That he is the luckiest man alive to have known such a woman despite her flaws and the hindrance of her health. Beneath it all, like he says he sees "a beautiful young girl who wants to spend the rest of her life with me". This is what love is about... Take away all the reality and problems it brings and see beneath someone and their true self whilst feeling happy and getting away from the 'real' world.

Despite it being fictional, it felt real in that, for me, it truly reflected true outlooks on life...
It was poignant as it showed how life progresses, and how it ultimately ends and how on the outside people may be happy, however beneath they're crying out for help.

How do you know when things are 'right'...?

When people find themselves in situations, or with someone... They often wonder to themselves: 'Is this right?' 'Are these feelings normal?' 'Shall I do this now?' 'Shall I be with this person?' etcetera...

Is 'right' the warm feelings you get, is it your heart or your head telling you it's right or is it that deep down feeling when you instinctively know something is right? Or do we even truly know what's right...?

Perhaps we do things, or even try things, which at the time we believe are right and suit us, however what's right then may not be right when we look back. However, 'right' things are relative to the time. For example, if I told a lie to make someone feel better last Saturday. It may not seem right this Saturday due to the circumstances I find myself in.

The past is the past, the present is the present and the future is the future.

We do things which at the time seem 'right'. Personally, it seems that things which are 'right' are those which make us smile and feel good about ourselves. It doesn't depend on any one else feeling the same as you do... What I think is right, may seem wrong to another person. The way I look at it is, who cares about other's opinions about our idea of what's 'right' - we're the only ones in our situation, no one else. In the same way, we shouldn't view other people's actions as wrong.

My interpretation of Tracy Chapman's lyrics: 'The Promise' and 'Fast Car'

'The Promise'

If you wait for me,
Then I'll come for you,
Although I've travelled far...
I always hold a place for you in my heart.

If you think of me,
If you miss me - once in awhile.
Then I'll return to you...
I'll return, and fill that space in your heart.

Remembering: your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you...
If you'll be waiting.

If you dream of me - like I dream of you.
In a place that's warm and dark.
In a place where I can feel that beating of your heart.

Remembering: your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you...
If you'll be waiting.

I'll long for you.
And I'll have desired...
To see your face, your smile.
To be with you wherever you are.

Remembering: your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace,
I'll find my way back to you...
Please say you'll be waiting.

Together again...
It would feel so good to be in your arms...
Where all my journeys end.
You can make a promise, if it's one you can keep.
I vow to come to you if you wait for me.

Say you'll hold a place for me, in your heart.
A place for me in your heart.
A place for me in your heart.

I think this is reminiscent of a relationship which was once intimate, loving and meaningful. It is however, poignant as it sounds melancholy, however quite hopeful in that the speaker feels the distance between them both will perhaps one day be rekindled. It also sounds as though the other person lost feelings for the speaker, and the speaker is almost making a promise to that other person that despite the distance that that other person has made, she promises to always return back to him as long as he waits for her. The speaker sounds as though she continuously reminisces on: 'your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace'. The repetition of 'your' emphasises her yearning for that particular person in her life... It makes no reference to any other touch, kiss or embrace - it has to be his ('your'). There's also a sense that she's incomplete without him as she states that, 'It would feel so good to be in your arms... / Where all my journeys end". 'Journeys end' gives a sense of completeness and fulfilment. His arms act as a place where she feels she has reached her goal in life. 'Fill that space in your heart' also reflects the emptiness and room for another person which she promises she'll fill. Alternatively, it may not be showing a distance and yearning, but it may be an initial promise to someone that she's in love with. It may be a promise to him that she'll always remember and think of him. It may also be her way of hoping that the person she is with will always think of her to be special and worthy of a place in his heart.


'Fast Car'

You've got a fast car...
I want a ticket to anywhere.
Maybe we could make a deal.
Maybe together we could get somewhere.
Any place is better... Starting from zero - got nothing to lose.
Maybe we'll make something.
Me, myself, I've got nothing to prove.

You've got a fast car...
I've got a plan to get us out of here.
Been working at the convenient store... Managed to save just a little bit of money.
Won't have to drive too far... Just across the border and into the city.
You and I can both get jobs, finally see what it means to be living.

See my old mans got a problem...
Give with the bottle that's the way it is.
He says he's body is too old for working,
His body is too young to look like this.
My Mum went off and left him,
She wanted more from life than he could give.
I said somebody has got to take care of him... So I quit school.
That's what I did.

You've got a fast car...
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We've got to make a decision...
Leave tonight or live and die this way.

Remember we were driving driving in your car,
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk.
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder.
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone.

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving.

You got a fast car.
But is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way.

This is the first Tracy Chapman song I heard - I have loved it ever since. The start of the song sounds adventurous with the 'I want a ticket to anywhere', which encapsulates the love and togetherness the speaker and the other person has. It sound as though they're stuck in a place which limits them both and therefore the 'fast car' the other person has got acts as a release and potential for their relationship. The repetition of 'you got a fast car' emphasises their desperation, longing and hope that the car will fulfil its purpose to leave their old life behind which acts as a hindrance. The speaker sounds as though she's worked hard by 'working at the convenient store' and managed to save 'just a little bit of money'. This highlights the hope and potential that they will 'cross the border into the city'. The speaker states that 'we've got to make a decision. Leave tonight, or live and die this way'. The use of 'we' reflects the togetherness and partnership they both have. It also shows how they'll remain together to fight their struggles. However, the mood changes in the song as the man 'still ain't got a job' and she works in a 'market as a checkout girl'. Despite this, she knows 'things will get better' and hopes that he'll find work and she'll get promoted. There's then a sense of reality and realisation that she is still the one who remains to pay all the bills and working hard for their future and he stays out 'drinking late at the bar'. She now finds herself in the same position as her mother, as like her mother (faced with her alcoholic father), she is now faced with her partner being an alcoholic. The speaker has come to realise that like her mother she wants more to life than he can give. Due to her partner being an alcoholic, she feels that like her mother, she has got to go off and leave him. She reflects on this and states that she 'always hoped for better' and thought that as a pair they'd find it, however she's left with nothing now and therefore she tells him to 'take your fast car and keep on driving'. She states that she's realised it was all a fantasy and that she 'aint going nowhere'. The initial use of the word 'we' changes to 'you' as she tells him that: 'you got to make a decision, / You leave tonight or live and die this way'.

Park of life.

Today I was sitting in a park... I had an absurd, however logical thought. Around me was various park equipment: a see-saw, swings, a climbing frame and a roundabout.

I had a thought. Life is like a park. Life itself isn't a park, but we all go through stages which resemble park equipment - despite how bizarre it may sound.

Sometimes in life we're like a see-saw: we feel up and then we feel down... This, like a see-saw, may be down to another person sitting opposite us who is weighing us down. From this, we find it hard to find a balance... It feels almost impossible at that time, unless we make a compromise with that person weighing us down. Alternatively, a person may be lifting us up by taking the weight of our shoulders. 

Sometimes in life we may feel like a swing: swinging backward and forwards like a pendulum... Backward and forwards, backward and forwards.  For one minute we feel that we are forwards in life and that we are making an advanced step - we are literally on top of the world, like you feel when you are swinging high. However, sometimes reality kicks in and we have to take that step backwards as we have gone too far forwards that we have no more aspirations and ambitions. Sometimes, we may even jump of a swing. We do this to launch ourselves away from a situation, perhaps to add another perspective and to appreciate and reflect on how far we've come. Push yourself to the highest heights, but don't drag yourself backwards with regret and sorrow.

Our actions and mind set in life is sometimes like a climbing frame. Like in a park, there is grounding to our decisions and above this foundation there is a climbing frame. This climbing frame is the climb we have to take to reach the top - our ambitions and goals. At the time, it seems laborious and not worth it due to the hard effort and tiresome feeling we experience... However, once we reach the top we feel glorious and fulfilled. From the top of the climbing frame, we can look down to the ground. On the ground there's people who have lost out on exploring their dreams as they had no motivation or ambition. On the ground you can see a reflection of yourself smiling as you've reached the top after all that time. So, keep climbing, as when you have exhausted yourself, the reward will await you.

After everything we've ever said or done, we feel like a roundabout. This roundabout symbolises the feeling that we are going around and around in circles - never ending circles. We feel like we go through life making choices and decisions, however, we always feel like we have returned back to square one. Square one of many. We need to appreciate that at times we will return to where we started, but that's only because we've perhaps missed something out that we need to amend, or, that we haven't made the right choice the first time.

We shouldn't have to be stationery like park equipment, and most of all we shouldn't live our lives in the same way...

Sayings/quotations I've found

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand

You are strong enough to make it through. I believe in you.

"For every dark night, there's a brighter day" - Tupac Shakur

The world is yours to explore.

Some things take time.

Wanting to be someone you're not is a waste of the person you are.

"If there comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever" - Winnie the Pooh

"You must do me this honour. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up. No matter what happens. No matter how hopeless. Promise me now" - 'Titanic'

Don't try so hard. The best things come when you least expect them to.

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you" - Mr Darcy

"When I'm really into a novel, I'm seeing the world differently during that time - not just for the hour of so in the day when I get to read. I'm actually walking around in a bit of a haze, spellbound by the book and looking at everything through a different prism." - Colin Firth

"No, I like you very much -- just as you are." - 'Bridget Jones'

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be.

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. There's nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness. And nothing will ever exhaust me.

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it and it will never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister

I love books. I like that the moment you open one and sink into it you can escape from the world, into a story that's way more interesting that yours will ever be.

The best is yet to come.

Life's a climb. But, the view is great.

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind.

Nothing would be the same if you did not exist.

The best things in life aren't things.

I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realise they're in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favourite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honest is just too beautiful to ever put into words.

I think I'll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it" - Maya Angelou

Sometimes when you meet someone, there's a click. I don't believe in love at first sight but I believe in that click.

We're all just stories in the end, make it a good one.

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them." - 'Perks Of Being A Wallflower'

My New Year 'Resolutions'

2011, 2012, now 2013. Once again, another year has passed... It has flown by. And, a very Happy New Year to you all! Many of us can't believe it, and I am certainly one of these people. Perhaps it's the fact I'm getting 'older' now. With this 'age' comes deadlines and maybe, just maybe, these deadlines are time slots which we meet and complete. The next week we then receive another deadline and so on... Life is just a whole load of deadlines, especially in Sixth Form.

This year will be a very exciting one: I'm turning 18 in March, I'm going on holiday in the summer! The scariest thing of all, I may be going off to University if I receive my grades in September!

Every year I think to myself on 31st December, before the clock strikes midnight what my intentions are for the new year coming in... This 2013 I have a list of things I want to do, things I want to achieve and most of all things I truly wish to stick to. I'll put my hands up... yes... I am guilty for breaking resolutions, but hopefully now this brand new year will keep me determined and dedicated!

1. This has been my aim every single year, but I have yet to complete it: Be more confident
2. Stop worrying about silly little things
3. Stop over analysing everything
4. Only help those who help you
5. Become more motivated for A2
6. Receive my grades to get into my 'firm' choice for University
7. Just be myself, if people don't like it, I don't like them
8. Say how you feel rather than keep it in
9. Stop eating rubbish and start toning for the summer holiday
10. Spend more time with those who mean the most to me... We all take time for granted as time goes so quickly... We only ever really appreciate things when they're gone, but this year I'm going to appreciate every moment. It has dawned on me this is the year I may be off to University if I receive my grades (fingers crossed) therefore I need to spend as much time with my friends and family as I possibly can, as they mean the world to me and I'll miss them like crazy... I honestly don't know how I'll survive!
11. Spend money wisely
12. Be more open about things which worry me
13. Just take life as it comes - don't plan ahead
14. Whatever happens happens, and someone very special to me told me "you know when you know" and that's what I'm going to follow this year
15. Stop worrying about the future, live in the moment
16. Don't regret things, they will happen for a reason - they were right at the time

I can't think of any more right now, but I am sure over the next few weeks, resolutions will pop into my head...

I hope you all have a very successful 2013, especially those who have so far, made my years memorable and rewarding.

Christmas 2012

Jingle bells are ringing, Christmas trees are up, decorations are glittering, lights are twinkling and the frost is glistening. Once again Christmas is just around the corner with 13 more sleeps to go… Thirteen more sleeps to Santa. I love Christmas, not for the presents, not for the giving, not for the idea of it, I love it because it’s a time when everyone comes together and celebrates, where family sit together. No phones ringing. No reminders on the calendar. No rushing around. No urgency. No busy schedule. Relax. A time when food is shared and enjoyed. Where laughs and giggles are not false or laborous, they’re genuine sparked by sherry and mulled wine. When fire surrounds the Christmas pudding. When the Christmas tree sparkles and eyes light up. Where presents are unwrapped and appreciated. When people share love for one another under the mistletoe. Christmas is a time when love really is all around, and like I said not for the prospect of receiving, but the prospect of giving and the idea of relaxing and sharing time we otherwise would not have had. For one day of the year. It can only be Christmas.

University offers

Since sending my application off mid-November with unconfidence… I have received replies from the universities, which are: Reading, Surrey, Cardiff, Lincoln and Chester. I am pleased to say that all five have offered me a place with conditional entry requirements of ‘AAB’ for the first three and ‘BBC‘as a back-up for the last two.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. I now need to decide by May 2013 which university to place as my firm and which as my insurance. I never thought in a million years I’d have this much choice. What is daunting is the fact that this decision will determine my final years of education – it’s a BIG decision.

I am also pleased to see that most of my friends have received offers too that they’re delighted with as they truly deserve them! It will be very hard however to say farewell to my friends, however one day we all have to go our separate ways as life isn’t one path… That day is unfortunately approaching very quickly.

I wish everyone the best of luck if they’ve applied and congratulations if you’ve received offers!

‘Love’

I have just watched a video which is called ‘Inspirational Love Scenes’ from films, this is the transcript which has inspired me to write a blog post:

Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. For a whole lot of reasons that don’t make sense to me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life. And we are gonna last is just to love. Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability. I love you without even knowing how… or when… or from where.

I love how he makes me feel like anything’s possible. I think I’m in love with you. Oh. I can’t believe it. I’m in love. I love you so much. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride. Above all things, I believe in love. Cause you’re like the coolest person I’ve ever met. And you don’t even have to try. You’re the only one for me. Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time. Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain, and this is a chance for something special.

‘Love’ is such a strange emotion – if it is an emotion. It’s a word which is often used for some to explain the euphoric warmth they have when with another person or perhaps the feeling of owning a sentimental possession. However, the word  ‘love’ is commonly used, perhaps too tritely.

For me, ‘love’ is found over time… through developing emotions and getting to know a person who you feel happy around. A person who you can be comfortable with. However you look. However you feel. Whatever you say. Whatever you do. And all these little things won’t taint their love for you, as it’s so strong it’s unbreakable. It’s not a word which can be used and thrown away like any other word, it’s a word which has true meaning and one which everyone can relate to in one way or another.

Love is expressed from the inside, as the transcript says love is “not a feeling, it’s an ability” and I suppose it is, for me, it’s the ability to put all your complexities, insecurities aside and concentrate on how you feel about someone. Love doesn’t always make sense to everyone, it may not today. Tomorrow. The next day. Or even in the next year. However, one day everyone will find love in some way or another as “love truly is all around”.